Tuesday, May 30, 2006

My Two Darths



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Television's Greatest Hits, Vol. 7: Cable Ready. A smattering of early nineties boob tube jamz. Some of these programs have endured ("The Simpsons," "Law & Order") and some have not ("Roc, "Davis Rules"). If you're suffering from depression brought on by the absence of Dan Quayle or Bell Biv Devoe from popular culture, this compilation may help. Consult your physician before purchasing. Side effects include wearing Cross Colors, drinking Zima, and remarking that everything you see is "totally def."


- The "yeah!" that starts "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" coincides with the explosion that forces C-3PO into the escape pod.

- Darth Vader stops at the end of the Tantive IV corridor at the same exact moment the bell rings at the beginning of "Saved by the Bell."

- The line "a little something special comes shining through" in the theme from "My Two Dads" coincides with the sandcrawler shining the light at C-3PO.

- The line "he's a man with no future, or so it seems" in "Roc" coincides with Luke taking the droids away after being denied a trip to the Toschi Station.

- The line "I don't have the answers" in the "Mad About You" theme coincides with Luke wondering aloud what he should do if Obi-Wan Kenobi comes looking for R2-D2.

- The theme from "America's Most Wanted" is playing as we see the stormtroopers searching the cantina for Luke, Obi-Wan, and the droids (it is also playing when we first see Han Solo).

- The first weird keyboard noise in "Unsolved Mysteries" coincides with the appearance of Greedo.

- Alderaan blows up during the emotional climax of the "Twin Peaks" theme.

- The weird noise at the end of "Max Headroom" coincides with Chewbacca mauling an Imperial guard.

- The "Kids in the Hall" theme begins as Luke and Han, dressed as stormtroopers, leave the Death Star control room and walk down that long hallway with Chewbacca in tow.


Something happened during the "Tales from the Crypt" theme, but I'll be damned if I can read the three words I scribbled down. Looks like "tots for Leia." That doesn't make any goddamn sense. I usually write so legibly. Well, it can't be that important, otherwise I'd remember it, right? Yeah, I wasn't living by that rule when I threw out my car registration renewal form last year. I was driving an unregistered vehicle for like three or four months! It's a wonder I didn't get pulled over and thrown in the clink!

I watched Donnie Darko last night. People have been crowing about that movie for years. Personally, my world wasn't rocked. It held my interest, but the none of characters were likable enough for me to honestly care what happened to them. Donnie's girlfriend seemed particularly grating and unnecessary. If I wrote that movie, I would have forged a closer relationship between Donnie and his youngest sister. She could have taken the place of the girlfriend, having the same fate befall her with equal or more emotional impact.

But, you ask, then how do you get Donnie's mom out of the house towards the end of the movie? Oh, I don't know, how about a million other plot devices? Business trip, funeral, college reunion, time share presentation...take your pick. Just about anything other than "Star Search" audition. That entire thing, with the dance instructor staying behind to start the motivational speaker guy's defense fund, was even more outlandish than what Donnie was dealing with.

I hate to belabor a point, but come on. Are we to believe that Mrs. Darko, who lives in a huge house and has three kids, one of whom is emotionally disturbed, is merely a homemaker who can take off at the drop of a hat? She has to have a job. Think of all her expenses. Middlesex appears to be a very affluent area. I think they have three cars. The kids are in what appears to be a private school. And Donnie's meds! How friggin' expensive do you think those are? How can she afford to take any time off, and on such short notice? The mommy-chaparone scenario completely falls through when you take all this into account.

That is, unless, Donnie's father is raking it in some how. The movie does take place in 1988, and Mr. Darko is obviously a Republican. What is he, a lawyer? A doctor? What's up, Mr. D? What do you do? That's the real mystery of Donnie Darko. Will anyone ever figure out the Darko family's net income? I guess we'll have to wait for the sequel to find out.


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