Friday, March 31, 2006

Grave Darth Vader



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Grave Disorder by the Damned. This one's surprisingly strong, considering only two original members were involved (singer Dave Vanian and guitarist Captain Sensible). Guess we know where the talent lies. Marred slightly by topical references (dot coms, the 2000 election), but still lots of moody goth punk fun.

As usual, I started this bad boy right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- The phrase "black night" in "Thrill Kill" coincides with a shot of Darth Vader (I heard it as "black knight").

- R2-D2's collapse on Tatooine (after the Jawa shoots him) coincides with the exact end of "Thrill Kill."

- The line "you want some action baby, yeah" in "Lookin for Action" is heard as Luke rolls his eyes and complains that he'll never get off Tatooine.

- "Amen" begins as Obi-Wan revives Luke.

- The phrase "baptize our sister" is heard in "Amen" as Princess Leia's hologram appears before Luke and Obi-Wan.

- In "Obscene," the line "we begin to smell the kill" coincides with a shot of the bloody arm lying on the floor of the cantina (presumably that arm had some kind of odor).


Nothing to write home about, eh, gov'nah? Can you tell I've been enjoying too much British media lately? Some of my mates at work turned me on to a programme called "Peepshow" about two blokes who live in a flat and think nasties about each other. It's a real crack-up. I've been thinking, talking, and writing in a British manner ever since I sawr it. Lissenin' to awl this Damned 'asn't 'elped.

Cor, blimey, you rottah! Go Arsenal!

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Wait for the Bantha



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


The Black Album, the Damned's gothic 1980 masterpiece. A dizzying tapestry of macabre melodies and spooky sound effects that retains the group's upbeat persona. Don't know how they managed that, but Gawd bless 'em for it. Produced by Hans Zimmer (or overproduced, as the band will tell you).

As usual, I started this bad boy right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- One of the weird noises towards the end of "Lively Arts" coincides with the stormtrooper firing his stun gun at Princess Leia.

- The line "what do I see?" in "Twisted Nerve" is heard as Threepio spots Artoo inside the sandcrawler.

- The line "why does it always end like this?" in "Hit or Miss" is heard as R5-D4 epxlodes.

- "Sick of This and That" plays through the entire scene where Luke argues with his Uncle about leaving Tatooine, and the lyrics seem to reflect everything Luke is saying and thinking ("I say you're messing me around, and you say I'm getting out of hand/I'm sick of the country, sick of the town, sick of the future, it's getting me down"). For a full breakdown, check the notes section.

- During the line "who is the victim, who is the innocent?" in "13th Floor Vendetta," the camera is on Obi-Wan for the "victim" part and then cuts to Luke for the "innocent" part.

- The jagged guitar noise at the end of "Therapy?" begins the same time Luke sees his relative's dead bodies; the noise continues through the next scene where Leia faces the torture droid.

- In the middle of "Curtain Call," the weird, creepy noise heard right after all the footsteps coincides with a shot of the stormtroopers who are marching into Docking Bay 94 to try and capture Luke, Obi, Han, and the droids.


Okay, so this is how "Sick of This and That" plays out with Star Wars in its entirety. As soon as Luke says, "I've been thinking about our agreement," the song starts. The following lines are heard as Luke and Owen argue:

I say you're messing me around
and you say I'm getting out of hand

I'm sick of the country
Sick of the town
Sick of the future
It's getting me down

I say the future's going to last
You say there's nothing in the past

I'm sick of the government
Sick of the police
Sick of the boredom
I want release

Around the time we hear "boredom," Luke gets up from the table and walks out. As he's walking to his little cliff outside, the following is heard:

I can recall a strange event
I gave you nothing with my compliments
A discontent that efferents
An emptiness or nothingness
That's heaven sent

Then, as our hero stares into the setting suns:

I'm sick of the country
Sick of the town
Sick of the future
It's getting me down

The song finally winds down as Luke walks into his room to discover that R2-D2 is missing.

Without a doubt, this is the closest a song has ever matched exactly what is happening onscreen at that moment. Andrew Lloyd Weber couldn't have choreographed a more perfect musical interpretation of that scene. I'm totally astounded.

There was a larger pattern of songs beginning or ending as one scene in the movie dissolved to the next, but aside from "Sick of This and That," there was no real connection between the songs themselves and what was happening in the movie. I suppose you could argue that "Hit or Miss" during the droid auction was apropos, seeing as you never know what you're getting from those shady Jawas, but that's about it.

That "who is the victim, who is the innocent?" bit was pretty good, too. Obi-Wan is totally the victim of decades of Jedi oppression. That's why he lives in a shack on Tatooine. Generally speaking, victims of oppression don't live in mansions.

Luke is the innocent, but more importantly, he's sick of this and that. Golly, that was really something. Someone call the Damned up and see if they'll license their song for a Broadway musical I've just decided to write entitled Living in These Star Wars. It'll fill more seats than Cats and The Producers combined. Betcha I could get John Stamos to play Han Solo.

And now, a completely unnecessary Randy Jackson impression:

Wow, "Sick of This and That." Listen, man, you came out here, you did your thing, and it was hot! Dog pound, that was hot, wasn't it? America loves you, "Sick of This and That." They love you - listen to that! That's love right there. Yeah!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Machine Gonk Etiquette



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Machine Gun Etiquette by the Damned, the prog punk classic from 1979 that offered up "I Just Can't Be Happy Today," "Melody Lee," and "Smash It Up Parts 1 & 2." Proved self-indulgent guitar noodling and keyboards could coexist peacefully with trashy, thrashy punk. Also proved the Damned worked best as a four piece (sorry, Lu).

As usual, I started this bad boy right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- The shout of "go!" at the beginning of "Love Song" happens about the same time the Star Wars logo pops up.

- During "Machine Gun Etiquette," the line "don't you wish that we were dead?" coincides with a shot of stormtroopers firing upon Rebel soldiers.

- The first chorus of "I Just Can't Be Happy Today" coincides with Darth Vader's first appearance.

- The phrase "the devil commands" in "I Just Can't Be Happy Today" is heard as we see the captured Rebel troops being marched away.

- During "Melody Lee," the phrase "nowhere to go" is heard as we see the droids walking out of the escape pod on Tatooine.

- The line "change of heart" is heard in "Melody Lee" around the time R2-D2 decides to go in a different direction on the surface of Tatooine.

- The breakdown in "Anti-Pope" coincides with R2-D2's journey through the canyon and capture by the Jawas.

- During one of the choruses in "Looking at You," we see Tusken Raiders looking at Luke and Threepio through some sort of telescope-like device.

- When the organ comes in during "Looking at You," Luke and Threepio look around like they can hear it.


I love it when something happens during that part where Luke and Threepio look around in the Jundland Wastes. Here, it was the start of an organ, which made me think about Phantom of the Opera. I never noticed it before, but the Tusken Raiders all do kind of look like Lon Chaney in that movie. I wonder if that was on purpose. I can easily imagine one of them sitting down in front of a row of keys and banging away like mad.

If I were a little more tech-savvy, I'd make a short Internet movie wherein I edit organ music into that scene and then immediately cut to a Tusken Raider behind a monstrous set of pipes in a cave somewhere. Actually, I could never do that. First of all, I'd have to find a pipe organ. Then I'd have to get it into a cave. Then I'd have to make a totally realistic Tusken Raider costume. Already I'm over budget.

Okay, yes, I could use action figures for this little mini-movie, but then I'd be totally ripping off that one guy who made all the Star Wars action figure films. You know his name. Stinky Whizzleteats? No, wait. Evan something. Evan Mathers? Well, the point is, I don't want to rip anyone off.

ANYWAYS...I do love it when Luke and Threepio "hear" things on the record I'm listening to. My fave so far was the beat drop in "Paul Revere" on Licensed to Ill. I bet Mark Hamill looks around like that in real life when he hears rap. I hate to stereotype, but cornbread strikes me as totally removed from anything the least bit urban.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

One Way Droid



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Music for Pleasure, album numero dos from the Damned. Generally considered the weakest slab of wax in their discography. Tight schedule plus uninterested producer plus unnecessary second guitarist equals not so good, Al. Lacks oompf. Better than the Clash's second record, though.

As usual, I started this bad boy right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- In "Don't Cry Wolf," the line "help us smash it up" coincides with the door of the Tantive IV bursting into flames (it does so exactly on the word "smash").

- The choking of the Rebel soldier by Darth Vader coincides with a couple of lines in "One Way Love": "she don't care about your miseries/there ain't nothing you can do." The same lines are heard a few scenes later when Vader confronts Princess Leia and she complains about his Imperial invasion.

- The drums in "Idiot Box" start as R2-D2 comes to in sandcrawler.

- "Idiot Box" ends right when the Jawa switches R2 off during the auction.

- The line "you make me feel real sick" in "You Take My Money" coincides with a shot of Luke rolling his eyes.

- During "You Can't Fool Me," the line "the action's begun, you can't fool no one" is heard as the Tusken Raider attacks Luke.


I really dig that eye-rolling thing with Luke and "you make me feel real sick." Not enough stuff has corresponded with the subtle actions of the characters in these experiments so far. The only other one I can think of off the top of my head is the "bus stop" thing from the Replacements experiment I did a few months back (Paul Westerberg repeats the line "bus stop" numerous times in "Hanging Downtown," and each time he says it, Darth Vader turns his head a different way).

Somewhat related note: I never knew the chorus to "Stretcher Case Baby" was "thirteen with a problem." Thanks, Internet! It's amazing how long you can listen to and enjoy certain tunes without having any clue as to what's being said, innit? Like that "Chappelle's Show" skit where they're talking about that one part of the "Good Times" theme song.

"Hangin' in a chow line!"

It took a crack team of research scientists working around the clock for three weeks to figure that one out. Naw, I'm just joshin' ya. Chappelle called up Jimmie Walker and he told him what it was. Dyn-o-MITE!

Monday, March 27, 2006

See Her Tonight (Princess Leia)



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


The Damned's first album, Damned Damned Damned. Often credited as the first U.K. punk release. A rollicking thirty minutes of fuzzy guitars, catchy lyrics, and totally insane drumming. Seriously. Scabies just pounds and pounds and pounds like a caveman, stopping every now and then to do a ridiculously long roll. Unbelievable he didn't die of a heart attack while recording this one.

Speaking of drumrolls, I started Damned Damned Damned right after the second one in the 20th Century Fox fanfare, just like I usually do.


- The chorus of "Stab Your Back" is heard as C-3PO complains about R2-D2 "tricking" him into going the wrong way.

- "Feel the Pain" is playing as the Jawas incapacitate and capture R2-D2.

- "See Her Tonight" plays through the scene where Luke discovers and stares at Princess Leia's hologram.


Off to a great start this week, huh? That was sarcasm, by the way. Kind of hard to get that across on this here Internet from time to time, so I figured I'd just come out and tell you.

So, yeah, um, not a lot here. This was one of those experiments where I was kind of zoning out during the last two songs, wondering what I was going to wear to work tomorrow and why bears hibernate. That's just the way it goes sometimes, you know? I've said it before and I'll say it again - they all can't be winners, folks.

Folks! Hey, folks! [claps hands]

That was my hilarious Chuck Barris impression. I hope you enjoyed it.

I still have no idea what I'm going to wear tomorrow. Lime shirt with the striped yellow tie? Not feelin' it, but there ain't much else in that closet right now. God forbid I do some laundry.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

(The Force is) Neat Neat Neat

Continuing with the punk motif that's been going on here lately at the GSWSP, next week's gonna be the Damned. Yes, the Damned, the pioneering U.K. group known for mixing elements of prog and goth into their music with splendid results. Also, they had a drummer named Rat Scabies. Isn't that gross? I get queasy just thinking about it.

Anywho, here's the albums I've chosen and when I'm gonna do 'em (yes, they're all with Star Wars again):

3/27: Damned Damned Damned
3/28: Music For Pleasure
3/29: Machine Gun Etiquette
3/30: The Black Album
3/31: Grave Disorder

If you're getting sick of all this punk stuff, don't worry. I'm planning to do something very mainstream after this. Something very mainstream. Probably the most mainstream band that ever existed. Any guesses?

You got it! The Starland Vocal Band! Hooray!

Just kidding.

Friday, March 24, 2006

No Feelings (For the Empire)



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Live in Trondheim, one of the thousands of Sex Pistols bootlegs currently clogging the compact disc market. Supposedly a recording of the band playing in Trondheim, Norway, on July 21, 1977, although I do remember reading once somewhere that this is actually a different performance from that Scandanavian tour. This theory is supported by the fact that, during a short break due to a technical mishap, Johnny Rotten asks a stagehand to "tell 'em in Swedish" (referring to the crowd). Surely John was aware of what country he was in, wasn't he? Maybe he wasn't aware at the time that Norwegians have their own language.

Where ever the gig on this disc took place, the band is in top form. Sid had just joined up on bass, and although many people like to discredit his contributions, it's obvious that the new blood envigorated the other three and pushed them toward the sound they achieved on Never Mind the Bollocks. You can really hear it on this one; unfortunately, the quality of the recording is a bit dodgy, and there are two distinctly annoying edits (part of "No Feelings" is cut out and the end of "God Save the Queen" is missing, replaced with the sound of a car crash).

That kind of stuff is par for the course with bootlegs, though. As I said before, I think this Trondheim disc is one of the best I've heard. The performance is tits, there's no fake crowd noise, it's actually the Pistols and not some Italian cover band, and the artwork that accompanies the CD wasn't hand drawn or printed on a Commodore 64. I give it an A-. If you like the Pistols and can find this cheap, buy it.

Wow, that was long. Moving on...I started the album right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare, like I usually do.


- In "I Wanna Be Me," the line "ready to kill" is heard as we see Darth Vader choking the Rebel.

- The line "black and white" in "I Wanna Be Me" is heard as we see a shot of Darth Vader and a few stormtroopers.

- "No Fun" plays during Luke's Toschi station rant and his subsequent "Biggs is right, I'm never gonna get out of here!" scene.

- "Problems" starts as Luke and his relatives congregate for the dinner scene.


Not much, but that's okay. The CD was only twenty-nine minutes long. That could be the shortest one I've tried so far. I'm surprised I got anything, really. It's a Sex Pistols bootleg, for the love of criminy.

I'd love to expound on this more, but I've got to get to thinkin' about next week. Still don't know what I'm gonna do! Could take me the rest of the day to figure out.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Corellian Outsiders



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Neurotic Outsiders by the Neurotic Outsiders. This was the band Steve Jones formed in the mid-nineties with the two blonde guys from Guns n' Roses and John Taylor from Duran Duran. Originally, they just rocked out at the Viper Room, but then they decided what the hell, let's make an album. Not bad. A solid hard rock record, the kind you'd expect from two-fifths of Guns n' Roses, a former Sex Pistol, and the guy from Duran Duran. Came out in '96, same year the Pistols reunited.

As usual, I started the album right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- Darth Vader walks onscreen for the first time as "Always Wrong" starts.

- The camera is on C-3PO as the line "I'm always wrong" is heard in "Always Wrong"; two seconds later, the camera is on R2-D2 for the line "you're always right." Apropos, if you ask me.

- The line "inside I scream" in "Always Wrong" is heard as the camera is on Vader's choking victim.

- In "Good News," the line "everyone you touch they drop like flies" is heard as R2-D2 falls over, a victim of the Jawa stun gun.

- "Union" starts as Luke wakes up after the Tusken Raider attack and sees Obi-Wan.


And the streak is broken. I wasn't expecting much with this experiment, so I'm not overly upset. I'm more upset over the fact that the Outsiders didn't tour more extensively when this record came out. I remember at the time reading an interview with Jonesy where he said he was getting too old to be out on the road. What he really meant to say was that he didn't want to go out with anyone but the Pistols, because not long after that Finsbury Park show, Rotten, Jones, & Associates toured multiple continents (and I didn't get to see them because I didn't have the balls to steal my dad's car and drive to Memphis).

Hindsight is always 20/20. Methinks Jonesy was biding his time with the Outsiders while the other three Pistols cleared their schedules or worked out the terms of the reunion. Oh well, they should have done an East Coast tour with some dates in Florida, but there's no use crying over mid-nineties side projects featuring John Taylor. Neurotic Outsiders is a good record no matter how "into it" Steve was. Much better, I feel, than most of the post-Pistols projects he was involved in. That includes, but is not limited to, the following:

The Professionals
The Greedies
So Alone by Johnny Thunders
That one Iggy Pop record
That one Joan Jett record
That one Mel C. record
That one Avengers record
Fantasy 7
The solo on Megadeth's cover of "Anarchy in the U.K."
The Nothings
Dano Jones (not to be confused with Danko Jones)
Hollywood United

There's also rumors floating about that Steve played on some post-Spaghetti Incident pre-Chinese Democracy GNR stuff, but that's probably just poppycock perpetuated by the fact he was in the Outsiders with two guys from GNR.

Hey, I can't verify everything Steve Jones ever did. I'm not his resume!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Filthy Vader Live



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Filthy Lucre Live, the 1996 concert album recorded by a reunited Sex Pistols in Finsbury Park, London. For years, Rotten and Co. swore up and down they'd never get back together. I guess someone reminded them there's no social security or 401k plan with punk rock. The old farts give an energetic performance on Filthy Lucre, and they don't sound half bad, either. Could have thrown a few more curveballs into their set, though. No "Roadrunner?" Denied!

As usual, I started the album right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- The line "see my face, not a trace, no humanity" is heard in "Seventeen" as Darth Vader makes his first appearance.

- The line "you follow me around like a pretty pot of glue" is heard in "No Feelings" as we see a Jawa peeking at R2-D2 from behind a rock.

- Luke makes his first appearance as we hear the line "potential H-bomb" in "God Save the Queen."

- The line "now I wanna know" is heard in "Liar" as Luke questions C-3PO about the Rebellion.

- Luke comes to after the Tusken Raider attack and looks up at Obi-Wan as the line "I wanna see some history" is heard in "Holidays in the Sun."

- Johnny Rotten's labored exhale at the end of "Submission" coincides with a close-up of Darth Vader.

- The line "don't believe illusion" is heard in "Pretty Vacant" as Obi-Wan tells Luke that Tusken Raiders didn't really attack the Sandcrawler.

- The first verse of "Anarchy in the U.K." coincides with the cantina fracas. "I am an anti-christ, I am an anarchist" is heard as Dr. Evanzan brags to Luke about his death sentence; "don't know what I want but I know how to get it" is heard as Dr. E throws Luke to the ground; "I wanna destroy passerby" is heard as Obi-Wan slices the good doctor's arm off.

- "Problems" starts as Greedo confronts Han Solo.

- The first two lines in the last verse of "Problems" coincide with an interesting shot. "Bet you thought you had it all worked out" is heard as Luke and Obi-Wan are seen walking to Docking Bay 94; "bet you thought you knew what I was about" is heard as the camera focuses on the Imperial informant walking behind them.


Another good one. I really got a kick out of that "Anarchy" bit in the cantina. Perfect timing on that one.

In reference to that last synch, I've always wondered if Luke and Obi were even remotely aware of the Imperial informant guy's presence. We'll call him Garindan, because that's his name. Did they see Garindan at any point in time, and if so, did they think he was slim shady or just another snoot in the crowd? Another Star Wars ponderable.

Speaking of ponderables, you know what I noticed while listening to Filthy Lucre this time? Glen Matlock didn't play that neat bass run he always used to play in the beginning of "No Feelings." If you've heard the pre-Bollocks demos, you know what I'm talking about. I wonder if he was just being lazy that night or if one of the other Pistols had a serious objection to it.

Glen, if you're reading this, that bass thing always kicked ass! Really made the song pop, mate! I hope you play it again sometime. Heck, I hope you're playing it right now! 'Cause I know that's what you do all day, sit around and fiddle with old bass lines.


Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Who Killed Greedo?



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


The Great Rock n' Roll Swindle. In 1980, former Sex Pistols manager Malcolm McLaren attempted to spin a rather convoluted cinematic yarn about his most famous "invention" (read: punk rock). In the process, he made audiences the world 'round wish he had died instead of Sid. The companion album could be from no other film: assorted Pistols songs by way of accordian, orchestra, and disco medley; Sid Vicious taking on Eddie Cochran and Paul Anka covers; and the infamous title track, spliced together from various audition tapes recorded after Johnny Rotten quit the band. It doesn't get any weirder than this, folks.

As usual, I started the album right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- Malcolm McLaren says, "Lemme start from the beginning" in "God Save the Queen" as the opening crawl starts.

- The soundclips of the raging fire and ensuing riot in "God Save the Queen" coincide with the explosion that rocks the Tantive IV.

- The line "go, Johnny, go, go!" is heard in "Johnny B. Goode" as we see the droid's escape pod fly across the screen.

- The line "your future dream is a shopping scheme" is heard in "Anarchy in the U.K." as Luke delivers his infamous rant about going to the Toschi Station to pick up some power converters.

- The chorus of "Whatcha Gonna Do About It?" ("whatcha gonna do about it?") is heard as Luke stares at Princess Leia's hologram.

- "Who Killed Bambi?" starts as Princess Leia's hologram disappears (as a result of Luke removing R2-D2's restraining bolt).

- The line "now you've missed out once again" in "Silly Thing" is heard as Luke finds out R2-D2 is missing.

- The line "whatcha gonna say, whatcha gonna do?" in "Silly Thing" is heard as Luke remarks upon how he's gonna get it from his Uncle over the R2-D2 disappearance.

- During "Substitute," the line "you dare to look me in the eye" is heard as Obi-Wan is staring directly into the camera.

- The chorus of "Lonely Boy" ("I'm a lonely boy") is playing as Luke discovers his relatives are dead.

- "Anarchie Pour Le U.K." is playing during the cantina scene, and it looks like the band is actually playing it.

- "No One is Innocent" is playing as Luke, Obi, Han, Chewie, and the droids blast their way out of Mos Eisley. When you think about it, none of them are innocent. R2 is carrying the stolen plans, making Threepio his accomplice. Obi-Wan sliced off that guy's arm in the cantina; that's also where Han shot Greedo. Luke lied to the stormtrooper about how long he had had the droids. Chewbacca, well, he was the getaway driver!

- "My Way" plays through the interrogation scene, where Moff Tarkin gets the secret info out of Leia but decides to blow up Alderaan anyway.

- The line "I tell you, it was all a frame" in "EMI" is heard as Tarkin says, "She lied!" (in reference to Leia lying about Dantooine being the location of the secret Rebel base).

- The heavy part of "Friggin' in the Riggin" starts around the same time as the fracas in the detention block.


Wow, this was just as good as Never Mind the Bollocks. Some real neat stuff again. I knew this record had a reason for existing.

Oh, but I tease The Great Rock n' Roll Swindle. I do enjoy it, much in the same way I enjoy William Shatner's version of "Rocket Man." Total train wreck appeal. A good party album. Fun to listen to with a group of people.

Did I mention I was using the British version of Swindle? I should have. See, I used to have the American pressing, but I lent to this girl, and, well, you know how that kind of thing goes. This here across-the-pond version was plopped in my lap a few years ago. Differenes? Song order, of course, and they swap out "I Wanna Be Me" for "Whatcha Gonna Do About It?"

Weird how they mix songs up and swap 'em out in different countries. I wonder why that is. I must have skipped that day in Gonzo Rock Journalism 101.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Never Mind the Banthas



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols. Released in October of 1977, it was the Pistol's crowning achievement. The band broke up three months later, leaving many to wonder what could have been. Of course, it would be hard to top Bollocks, an album Rolling Stone once claimed was second in importance only to Sgt. Pepper. I own the British version, which is different from the standard U.S. version in that "God Save the Queen" is right before "Problems."

As usual, I started the album right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- The line "now I wanna see some history" in "Holidays in the Sun" is heard as the opening crawl starts.

- The line "claustrophobia, it's too much paranoia" in "Holidays in the Sun" is heard as we first see the droids, stuck in the corridor of the Tantive IV as it is rocked by an explosion.

- As we see a shot of the Rebel soldiers running down the corridor of the Tantive IV, the line "when will we fall?" is heard in "Holidays in the Sun."

- "Bodies" starts at about the same time the fighting aboard the Tantive IV starts, and we see lots of bodies falling to the ground.

- Darth Vader enters and surveys the dead bodies aboard the Tantive IV as the line "screaming, fucking bloody mess" is heard in "Bodies."

- The camera is on Vader as the line "you're an animal" is heard in "Bodies."

- The backwards noise at the start of "No Feelings" coincides with the Stormtrooper firing his stun gun at Princess Leia.

- R2-D2 turns around and looks at C-3PO as we hear the line "your brains are locked away but I love your company" in "No Feelings."

- Luke is seen telling his Uncle about R5-D4's bad motivator as the line "you've got a problem, whatcha gonna do?" in "Problems" is heard.

- The first chorus of "Seventeen" ("I'm a lazy sod") begins at the same exact moment Luke stops working on R2-D2 to ask C-3PO about the rebellion against the Empire.

- "Submission" starts as Luke is staring at the twin sunset, realizing he must submit to his Uncle's wishes.

- Luke runs out to look for R2-D2 on the horizon as the line "I've gotta solve your mystery" is heard in "Submission."

- Luke is looking through the binoculars at the Banthas as the line "I can't tell you what I've found" is heard in "Submission" (that's the part where he says, "Well, there are two Banthas down there, but I don't see any Sand People...").

- The cough at the end of "Submission" coincides with the Krayt dragon noise Obi-Wan makes to scare the Sand People.

- The line "we are ruled by none" is heard in "EMI" as the Death Star council is talking.


You know that little break in "Bodies" right before the singing starts? That almost synched up perfectly with the Imperial invasion of the Tantive IV. The snare hit that starts the rest of the song was just a few seconds off from the door exploding into flames.

Also, had I been using the American version of Bollocks for this one, "Problems" would have started around the time the Jawas captured Artoo. That would have been a little more fitting than "God Save the Queen."

But hey, I'm not complaining. This is the best experiment I've tried in weeks. Leave it to those wacky Sex Pistols. I wonder if any of them are into Star Wars. I highly doubt it, but you never know. Who would have guessed Rotten was so totally into nature before he did those Discovery Channel shows? Not me.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Anarchy in the GSWSP

As I mentioned yesterday, next week I'm doing the Sex Pistols on the GSWSP. Since they only officially recorded two albums (Never Mind the Bollocks and Filthy Lucre Live), it's going to be a bit tricky.

For one day, I will have to use the soundtrack to The Great Rock n' Roll Swindle, which, despite being filed under the name "Sex Pistols," is really more of a Malcolm McLaren/Steve Jones/Paul Cook/Sid Vicious album. I'm looking forward to it, though. The material is so weird and varied on there that it should make for an interesting experiment.

Speaking of Steve Jones, I've got Neurotic Outsiders, and it's in the fold as well. Something has to represent the Pistol's post-Pistol output. I currently do not own anything by the Professionals or the Rich Kids, Sid Sings is too garbled, and Public Image should really get their own week. As for Jonesy's two eighties solo records,'s kind of tough to watch Star Wars while you're projectile vomiting (sorry, Steve).

The last day goes to a very good Pistols bootleg I obtained a number of years back called Live in Trondheim. It was recorded on July 21, 1977, at the height of the band's infamy. It's the second best Pistols boot I've ever heard, right behind the Longhorn Ballroom recording (which I used to have on tape). That reminds me; I still haven't gone on that road trip to all the places the Sex Pistols played on their 1978 U.S. tour. I gotta do that like yesterday.

Anywho, here's next week's schedule:

3/20 - Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols
3/21 - The Great Rock n' Roll Swindle
3/22 - Filthy Lucre Live
3/23 - Neurotic Outsiders
3/24 - Live in Trondheim

I'm doing this partly because of the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame stink that occurred recently. The Sex Pistols were chosen to be inducted, but they didn't attend the induction ceremony because the Hall charges its inductees upwards of three thousand dollars just to get a seat. Instead, the Pistols stayed home and sent a nasty letter comparing the Hall to "urine in wine" and featuring numerous misspellings (which Steve Jones later took credit for). Jann Wenner, possibly the biggest walking example of corporate bullshit, read the letter at the ceremony.

Since I think that fee is total crap (and because I like 'em so much), I decided to give the Pistols a week on my blog. Here's to you, Sex Pistols! You're always welcome here, and I won't charge you one red cent! I think you guys are really boss, and I hope one day I get to shake all your hands. Good on ya!

Seriously, if you're honoring someone for anything, particularly for making a contribution to the history of rock n' roll, how can you charge them anything to come to the ceremony? They're the guest of honor! Is that how the Hall makes its money? Are not enough people paying admission in Cleveland to see Pete Townshend's socks? What's going on up there?

Friday, March 17, 2006

She Talks to Jawas



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Adios Amigos, the final studio album from the Ramones. Much like Too Tough To Die, this album owes a lot of its strength to an estranged Ramone - Dee Dee. He penned six of the thirteen songs here. Well, he didn't actually pen them all specifically for Adios Amigos. Some of the tunes are covers of songs from old Dee Dee solo records. Was that a showing of brotherly love on the part of the Ramones, do you think, or were they just that hard up for material? Only C.J. and Marky know for sure, and they ain't telling.

As usual, I started the album right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- The line "I've done all that I can do" is heard in "It's Not For Me To Know" as Darth Vader throws his choking victim to the floor (he has done all he can do to this guy to get him to talk about the Death Star plans).

- As R2-D2 is dragging himself through the inside of the sandcrawler, the line "I was so sad and blue" in "Take The Pain Away" is heard.

- "I Love You" is playing as C-3PO suggests Luke and his Uncle buy R2-D2 from the Jawas (because he loves him and doesn't want to be separated from him ever again).


You know I have to, one last time:

Adios Amigos? ADIOS AMIGOS?! More like Adios Synchs!! Oh ho ho! "Got Alot to Say," but not alotta synchs! EEEEEEE!!! I wish I could "Take the Pain Away," but I can't!

I guess I picked the wrong Ramones albums this week. Oh well, there's only about fourteen others to choose from! "Ramones Week Part Deux" will be coming soon. Not next week, though. Next week is the Sex Pistols. Yippee!

Oh, and Happy St. Patrick's Day. Leprechauns, potatoes, Bono, the whole lot.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Chasing the Droid



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Too Tough To Die, the 1984 comeback album from the Ramones. After three consecutive spotty records in the early eighties, punks began to talk. Was the party over? Were the Ramones, the genre's flagship band, finally out of steam?

Ah, well, as a matter of fact, no. The party was not over. Not yet, anyway.

Here, Joey, Johnny, and Dee Dee proved they still had some great tunes in 'em. "Mama's Boy," "Wart Hog," "Chasing the Night," "Howling at the Moon," "Daytime Dilemma," and of course, the totally rockin' title cut. Many credit the album's success to the return of estranged brother Tommy as producer. Sometimes, family knows best.

As usual, I started the album right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- The chorus of "Tough Guy" ("I'm a t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tough guy...") is heard as we see Darth Vader choking the Rebel soldier.

- "Danger Zone" is playing as R2-D2 rolls through the canyon where the Jawas are waiting to capture him.

- The line "let's go" is heard in "No Go" as Obi-Wan suggests to Luke that he is to come to Alderaan with him.

- The line "I wanted to go, oh ho" is heard a couple times as Luke laments the fact that he can't go fight the Empire.


Yeah, I'm gonna do it again. Are you ready? Okay, good. Here we go:

Well, this was a "No Go!" I felt like I was "Chasing the Night" here! Too Tough To Die? More like Too Tough To Synch!

Thank you, thank you, you're too kind. Honestly, I wouldn't be able to do it without you.

You know, I read an interview once with Mark Hamill where he talked about finding out his son was into the Ramones and how it tweaked his melon because he's into the Ramones. I believe in the same interview he mentioned something about having recorded every single episode of "Seinfeld" on blank VHS tapes.

No real point here, just talkin' 'bout Hamill.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

It's A Long Way Back (To Tatooine)

I hate to pre-empt the experiment, but I gotta respond to a question posed by my homey Tervin:

Will my wonderful new job conflict with the work I'm doing here on the Great Star Wars Synchronicity Project?

Why, of course it will, sillybuns, but that's not going to stop me from doing it. This foolishness doesn't take that big a chunk out of my day. It's not like I'm raising a kid over here or anything.

Just wanted to let everyone know, in case there were whispers of doubt. I plan on rockin' the GSWSP until I go deaf or until I physically cannot stand the sight of Mark Hamill anymore. It's like that, and that's the way it is.

Now, on with the show!



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Road to Ruin by the Ramones. A big turning point for da Bruddahs; they swap out drummer Tommy for Marky and end up with a slightly more traditional "rock" sound. Purists cried foul, and the public wasn't buying. Despite doing little for the band's career at the time (1978), Road to Ruin would eventually be recognized as a milestone not only for the Ramones but for all of rock n' roll.

How eventually? Oh, about ten years after the fact, when "I Wanna Be Sedated" was re-released to promote Ramonesmania. A weary American public finally woke up and started to appreciate the Kings of Queens, albeit not on the level of such "greats" as Poison and Whitesnake. God status would allude Joey and pals until well into the 21st Century, long after the band had broken up and a few of them had gone to that great slum in the sky.

But I digress. As usual, I started the record right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- The line "I was getting older" is heard in "I Wanted Everything" as the camera focuses on an older Rebel soldier aboard the Tantive IV.

- The line "I don't care, I don't care" in "I Don't Want You" coincides with a shot of R2-D2 turning his dome away from C-3PO on the surface of Tatooine (during their argument about which way to go).

- We see a Jawa peeking out from under a rock as the line "I saw her face" in "Needles & Pins" is heard.


Truly, this was the Road to Ruin! Come on! "I Wanted Everything," but this made me "Go Mental!" Yuk, yuk, yuk!

The ending refrain of "I don't want you" kept repeating as Threepio wandered through the desert bitching about how Artoo tricked him. That seemed like something at first, but then I thought about how that scene sort of proves that Threepio really does want Artoo. Kind of like an old lady who complains about how useless her ex-husband is/was, but is secretly mad at herself for letting him go and wishes desperately he'd return.

But hey, I could be wrong. Maybe Threepio really didn't want Artoo. I'm just layin' down my own personal interpretation, sucka. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to work.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Rocket to Alderaan



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Rocket to Russia, the third Ramones album, and the second they put out in 1977. Chock full of classics. "Cretin Hop," "Rockaway Beach," "I Don't Care," "Teenage Lobotomy," "We're A Happy Family," and "Sheena is a Punk Rocker," to name a few. Also contains the first honest-to-God Ramones stinker: "Locket Love." Yeah right, like any of the Ramones ever owned a locket. I would now like to introduce my theory that Joey's mom wrote that song.

As usual, I started the record right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- The Rebel soldier Darth Vader is choking dies at the same time we hear the line "someone had to pay the price" in "Here Today, Gone Tomorrow."

- "I Don't Care" is playing as R2-D2 decides to go his own way on Tatooine (he doesn't care what C-3PO says).

- The ending refrain of "I Can't Give You Anything" (which is "I can't give you anything") is heard as Uncle Owen denies Luke the opportunity to transfer his application to the Academy before the next harvest.


Looks like the Rocket to Russia was a dud! Don't bother hitchin' a ride to "Rockaway Beach" - it's closed! "We're A Happy Family?" Not today we ain't! Oh, I could do this all day. Too bad I have this job now and they expect me to do actual work while I'm sitting in front of a computer.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Now I Wanna Be A Good Droid



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Leave Home, the 1977 sophomore effort from the Ramones. Many regard this as the band's finest hour, and with good reason. "Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment," "Oh Oh I Love Her So," "Pinhead," "Commando," "You're Gonna Kill That Girl" - the awesomeness is unrelenting. I used the 2001 remaster, which put the long-absent "Carbona Not Glue" back in its rightful place and slapped the song's replacement, "Babysitter," at the end of the album.

As usual, I started this bad boy right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- The ending refrain of "Glad To See You Go" ("go, go, go, goodbye!") is heard as the opening crawl fades off into space.

- One of the pick slides in "Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment" coincides with the door aboard the Tantive IV bursting into flames.

- The lyric "she's my sweetheart" in "Oh Oh I Love Her So" coincides with a shot of Princess Leia.

- The line "after it's over, there's nowhere to go" in "Carbona Not Glue" is heard as we see the droids walking away from the escape pod on the surface of Tatooine.

- R2-D2, a victim of the Jawa's blaster, falls down and bashes his dome right after Joey Ramone says, "Headbanger!" in "Suzy is a Headbanger."

- The opening chant in "Pinhead" ("Gabba Gabba, we accept you, we accept you, one of us!") is heard as the Jawas crawl out from behind the rocks and descend upon R2-D2.

- A cymbal crash in "Pinhead" coincides with the spark caused by the application of R2-D2's restraining bolt.

- The line "now I wanna be good boy" in "Now I Wanna Be A Good Boy" is heard as Luke dutifully runs to answer his Aunt, who is calling him.

- R5-D4 explodes at the same time we hear Joey Ramone say, "things are looking grim" in "Swallow My Pride."

- The line "I know your name" in "What's Your Game" coincides with Luke telling C-3PO to call him "just Luke."

- "You're Gonna Kill That Girl" is playing during the Tusken Raider attack.

- The phrase "open that door" is repeated in "You Should Never Have Opened That Door" as Ben Kenobi hears the name Obi-Wan, opening the door, if you will, for the crazy adventure he, Luke, and the droids go on.


Gabba Gabba Hey, what can I say? Twelve ain't too bad. Nothing really jaw-dropping, though. It was a fun one, that's for sure. Everything's fun with the Ramones.

Leave Home actually has one other connection with Star Wars: a guy named Tony Bongiovi. Tony was the main producer on Leave Home, and later that year he ended up working with Meco Monardo on his infamous disco interpretation of the Star Wars theme music. Tony would make a handful of records with Meco, including 1980's bizarre Christmas in the Stars, on which C-3PO and R2-D2 sing assorted Christmas carols to one another.

You know who else was involved in that Christmas in the Stars malarky? Tony Bongiovi's cousin, Jon Bongiovi. A few years after crooning with R2-D2, Jon changed his last name to Bon Jovi and formed a band. You may have heard of them. They only ruled 1987 with extreme prejudice. Nowadays, they pretty much only rule New Jeresy and parts of Pennsylvania, but they still do so with extreme prejudice.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, I have heard Christmas in the Stars. It's actually not that bad, if you're into shitty Christmas music featuring robots from the early eighties. Well, I guess that's kind of a barren genre. Regardless, it's not that bad.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

1, 2, 3, 4, Jawas Wanna Hop S'more

At the suggestion of my good friend Drew Mack, I'm doing the Ramones all next week on the Great Star Wars Synchronicity Project. How will I rock it? Oh, something like this:

3/13: Leave Home
3/14: Rocket to Russia
3/15: Road to Ruin
3/16: Too Tough To Die
3/17: Adios Amigos

Yes, all with Star Wars, 'cause it's my favorite and I want to find the album that gets sixty-plus synchs with it before I concentrate on Empire or Jedi. If you don't like it, you can put it where the monkey puts the coconuts.

So I got this new job editing text book manuscripts that I'm pretty psyched about. I start Monday. Not really looking forward to the hour long shot down I-4 every morning, but if this jive works out, I'll be relocating like my name was Michael Jackson.

RFP fans: the new line-up has jelled, and a show will be booked soon. Praise Allah. Haven't sold the guys on a wacky cover yet, but there's still time. I'm leaning toward that Christmas song Horatio Sans sings every December on "Saturday Night Live." How bad-ass would that be totally punked out?

The correct answer is very. It would be very bad-ass.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Hot For Greedo



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


1984, Van Halen's most popular album and their last with "Diamond" David Lee Roth. Contains their biggest hit ever, "Jump." Also contains "Hot for Teacher," which, as far as I'm concerned, is mankind's greatest achievement. Moon landing? That was just a trip to the drugstore. Map of the human genome? More like some toddler's Crayola scribblings. Edward Van Halen took his finger-tapping technique to dangerous and unexplored places in that song, and the fact that he has not been awarded a Congressional Medal of Honor for his achievements is history's biggest crime.

As usual, I started the album right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- One of the many "jumps" in "Jump" coincides with the explosion that rocks the Tantive IV.

- The phrase "shiny machine" is heard in "Panama" as the camera is on R2-D2's shiny dome.

- David Lee Roth says, "Ow!" in "Drop Dead Legs" as R2-D2 is short circuiting after the Jawa attack.

- The line "you know that you want it" is heard in "Drop Dead Legs" as the Jawas take R2-D2 away.

- The line "I've got it bad, so bad" in "Hot for Teacher" is heard as Luke delivers his infamous Toschi Station complaint.

- David Lee Roth says, "I think the clock is slow" in "Hot for Teacher" as Luke tells C-3PO he wishes he could speed up the harvest.

- The camera is on Princess Leia's hologram as we hear "are you for real? it's so hard to tell" in "I'll Wait."


This is pretty good, considering how sparse most of these Van Halen records have been. Of course, now I want to run out and buy Women and Children First, just so I can try it with Star Wars and see if the entire Roth-era is a wash. That'll have to be my next big purchase (aside from gas, food, clothing, and french ticklers).

Oh, and by the way: anyone who disagrees with me about that "Hot for Teacher" thing is a freedom-hating terrorist. You've never seen Osama wearing a Van Halen shirt, have you? I rest my case.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Vader Down



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Diver Down by Van Halen. Released in 1982, this is easily the least popular Roth-era album. Loaded with bizarre covers, including "Dancing in the Street," "(Oh) Pretty Woman," the vaudeville staple "Big Bad Bill," and an acapella version of "Happy Trails." The story is VH had to throw this one together real quick-like after "(Oh) Pretty Woman," a single they recorded as a lark, unexpectedly became a number one hit. Don't you hate it when that happens? Still, it sold pretty well (the sucker went platinum four times), proving people would pay money to hear Van Halen sing just about anything.

As usual, I started the album right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- "Secrets" begins as Princess Leia lies to Darth Vader about being on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan.

- The line "sometimes you've got to run" is heard in "Secrets" as we see R2-D2 going in a different direction on the surface of Tatooine.

- The line "I need you tonight" in "(Oh) Pretty Woman" is heard as we see C-3PO rejoicing over being reunited with R2-D2 aboard the sandcrawler.

- Luke is staring at Princess Leia's hologram as we hear the line "Senorita, do you need a friend? I'm in love with you!" in "Little Guitars."

- The lyric "on the go" is heard in "The Full Bug" as we see the Tusken Raiders running away from Luke's landspeeder.


Oh, that was Van Horrible. What a Van Headache! I'd go on, but I need to hop in my Van Honda and drive to the Van Hospital. I've got Van Hepatitis C.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Fair Warning (About Darth Vader)



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Fair Warning, Van Halen's fourth album. Often characterized as being too dark and moody for your average VH fan. That didn't stop it from peaking at #6 on the Billboard Charts when it came out in 1981. Notable songs include "Mean Street" and "Unchained," the latter of which is built around a riff fierce enough to stun King Kong Bundy. I still have a hard time believing the conversation in the middle of that song was completely spontaneous, but I suppose anything's possible when DLR is on the mike.

As usual, I started the album right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- A Rebel soldier is seen falling to the ground as David Lee Roth says, "Lord, strike that poor boy down!" in "Mean Street."

- The line "come to your senses" in "Sinner's Swing!" is heard as R2-D2 is watching C-3PO walk away from him on the surface of Tatooine (presumably this is what each robot is thinking of the other).

- The chorus to "So This is Love?" ("so this is love?") is heard as Luke gets up from the table in the Lars home, upset with his Uncle for treating him like a little bitch.


Choose the example that best completes the following sentence:

This experiment was ______________ .

A. less interesting that your average episode of "Evening Shade."
B. more aggravating than the rising cost of gasoline.
C. a mind-numbing, hellish experience I never wish to relive.
D. all of the above.

The correct answer is A.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Somebody Get Me A Bantha



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Van Halen II, the second outing from Eddie and the boys. Features the group's first top fifteen hit, "Dance the Night Away," as well as the beach bum classic "Beautiful Girls." Would you believe David Lee Roth actually broke his foot making that jump on the front cover? That's why he's wearing a cast in the picture featured in the liner notes.

As usual, I started this bad boy right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- The line "broken down and dirty, dressed in rags" is heard a couple of times in "D.O.A."; both times, the camera is on Luke, who is in his dirty Tatooine clothes.

- The line "my heart, you're breaking my heart" in "Women in Love" is heard as Luke gets up from the table, upset over his Uncle's refusal to let him join the Academy.

- One of the "woooos!" in "Beautiful Girls" coincides with a shot of Threepio reacting to the Tusken Raider attack.

- David Lee Roth says, "I think I got it now!" in "Beautiful Girls" as Luke gets back up on his feet after the Tusken Raider attack.


Well, this one was pretty lame. Eight songs in before anything happened. I've said it before and I'll say it again: they can't all be winners, folks!

So I guess I picked a good time to do Van Halen, on account of the Michael Anthony interview that dropped this week. In case you're unaware, the portly bass player recently spoke to a Japanese magazine called Burn! and made a few shocking statements regarding the recent history of Halen. Here are some quotes, translated to English by a die-hard Van Halen fan known as jgdrag:

"Eddie did not want to let me participate in a reunion. The reason is because I acted with Sammy. And there were more few my rewards than VH brothers, but I had to obey a contract with Irving Azoff to participate in a reunion."

"When a reunion tour began in 2004, an old problem recurred among Eddie and Sammy immediately. Eddie did not like that Cabo Wabo tequila was sold on a large scale in a concert place."

"We were going to start it again with Dave three times. We were going to make an album with him, but his ego did not forgive the realization."

"When we gathered in a studio with Dave first, we played several songs, 'Hot For Teacher' or 'Mean Street,' etc. It was a very interesting experience and I thought, 'This is that magic!' And then Dave brought in a tape of Chemical Brothers, and said to play such a music."

"With Van Halen 3, there is only three songs that a band played with all the members. In 'Dirty Water Dog,' Eddie played it to a drum because Alex had divorces a lot of problems. When Gary entered VH, the band was in a bad state. Gary is a splendid human being. I feel that I am sorry in Gary."

"I never talk with Eddie since a tour is over, but I talked with Alex recently. The reason is because Greg Emerson who was drum technique of him committed suicide. Alex was awfully depressed."

"I did not play a base with 3 new tunes of The Best Of Both Worlds."

"I wrestle by activity as The Other Half with Sammy seriously in this summer. The reason is because VH brothers do not intend to play it for a fan. We are hearty welcome if they come out and want to play it together."

"I always read a fan site of Van Halen, and I pay attention what a fan thinks about."

Sounds to me like someone should have been filming all this stuff. Imagine what an awesome reality show they could have made. Forget that INXS "Rock Star" crap; I want to see the look on Eddie's face when Dave showed up with that Chemical Brothers tape. I want to know what the mood was like on the first day of that 2004 tour. I want to know Gary Cherone's side of the Van Halen 3 story. God damn, someone really dropped the ball on this one!

You see, this is why I need a job in television. No one cares who Flava Flav ends up boning. The people want to see bitter old L.A. rocker dudes slugging it out over tequila and the Chemical Brothers! Am I right, or am I right?

Monday, March 06, 2006

Runnin' with the Jawas



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Van Halen's eponymous 1978 debut. Proved heavy metal didn't always have to be dark and brooding. Why, heck, sometimes it could be pretty darn upbeat! Throw in some boogie woogie rhythms, some delirious finger-tapping, a few girlish shrieks - hot dog, Mister, that sounds like a good time! Established the Halens as the ultimate party band and their guitarist Eddie as a supreme axe god of the highest order. I still worship nightly at the altar of EVH, lighting incense and reciting passages in Latin beneath a giant stained glass rendering of He Who Uses Fulcrum Vibrato.

As usual, I started this bad boy right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- The door on the Tantive IV bursts into flames at the same exact moment "Eruption" starts.

- Darth Vader makes his entrance during that really intense part towards the end of "Eruption."

- The lyric "girl, you really got me now" is heard in "You Really Got Me" as we see the captured Rebel troops being lead away.

- The lyric "girl, you really got me now" is heard again as we see the guy being choked by Vader.

- The lyric "girl, you really got me now" is heard yet again as Princess Leia shoots the Stromtrooper who says, "there she is - over there!"

- We see Leia being lead to Darth Vader by the Stromtroopers as the line "you got me so I don't know where I'm going" is heard in "You Really Got Me."

- The line "I've got something you need" is heard in "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love" as the one Imperial guy informs Vader of the escape pod that was jettisoned.

- C-3PO kicks R2-D2 on the surface of Tatooine when we hear the line "I lost a lotta friends out there, baby" in "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love."

- David Lee Roth screams in the beginning of "I'm the One" at the same time R2-D2 is short-circuiting after being shot by the Jawas (it looks like Artoo is screaming in pain).

- One of the choruses in "Jamie's Crying" ("whoa, oh, oh, Jamie's crying") is heard as Luke delivers his infamous complaint about going to the Toschi Station.

- The phrase "headed for the skies" is heard in "Little Dreamer" as the camera is on Luke (who is, in fact, headed for the skies - or space, if you want to nitpick).

- "Ice Cream Man" starts at around the same time Obi-Wan Kenobi shows up.


Another one that started off strong but then kind of petered out near the middle. I was hoping some part of "On Fire" would be playing when Luke rolled up to find Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru burnt to a crisp; alas, Van Halen is only thirty-five minutes long, which only gets us to the part where Obi-Wan and Luke are watching Leia's hologram together.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Droids

As you may be able to guess from that title, this week I'm doing Van Halen. Five Roth-era classics (sorry, Hagar fans), all with Star Wars. Here's how I'm rockin' it:

3/06: Van Halen
3/07: Van Halen II
3/08: Fair Warning
3/09: Diver Down
3/10: 1984

Unfortunately, I do not currently own a copy of Women and Children First. If I did, you can bet dollars to donuts I'd be spinnin' that in place of Fair Warning. I must have been high on PCP when I got rid of that one.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Dark Side of the Sail Barge



Return of the Jedi (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd, an album we already know synchs up with Star Wars in twenty-two significant ways (click here to see how) and The Empire Strikes Back in ten (click here or scroll down a bit).

As usual, I started this bad boy right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- The explosion in "On the Run" coincides with Bib Fortuna's first appearance.

- Oola falls into the Rancor pit as we hear the lyric "the song is over" in "Time."

- The woman who sings rather enthusiastically during "The Great Gig in the Sky" quiets down as the film cuts to late at night when everyone's sleeping in Jabba's throne room.

- It sounds like the aforementioned woman is singing, "Han!" as the camera focuses upon Han Solo's frozen carbonite body during his rescue.

- The line "there's room for you inside" in "Us and Them" is heard as Luke is looking down at the Sarlacc.

- During the line "down and out" in "Us and Them": we see one guy fall into the Sarlacc as we hear "down," and then another one during "out."


That bit with Luke and the Sarlacc was great. I wonder just how much room was in the Sarlacc. How many stunt guys do you think could fit in there? Two? Five? One? I need to do some research on this. The curiosity is killing me.

Oh, and I'm feeling much better now, thank you. I took a few laps around the block, and that seemed to clear up all the whirring and clicking noises in my head. I'll have to remember to keep my prog rog intake to one serving a day.

Dark Side of the Tauntaun



The Empire Strikes Back (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd, which I've already determined synchs up with Star Wars in twenty-two significant ways (click here to see how). I've also determined that listening to this album will make you feel like you've just consumed ten pounds of mushrooms, even if you've never done anything harder than Kool-Aid in your life.

As usual, I started this bad boy right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- The lyric "leave" in "Breathe" is heard as we see the Probot leaving the crater it created on the surface of Hoth.

- Luke is staring at the Probot crash site as the line "dig that hole" is heard in "Breathe."

- Right after the Wampa mauls Luke, the line "you race towards an early grave" is heard in "Breathe."

- The female voice heard faintly over the intercom in "On the Run" is heard as Han Solo is entering the Rebel base on Hoth (it totally sounds like the correct ambient noise for that scene).

- Obi-Wan's ghost fades away as we hear the line "the song is over" in "Time."

- The word "away" is repeated in "Money" as the voice announces to the Rebels that the first transport is away.

- "Us and Them" starts at the same time as the battle on the surface of Hoth.

- During the line "me and you" in "Us and Them": the camera is on Darth Vader's hologram during the "me" part, and it switches to a shot of Luke for the "you" part. Sums up the central plot of the movie right there, doesn't it?

- The line "forward he cried from the rear" is heard in "Us and Them" as the one Rebel guy commands his gunner to fire the tow cable from the rear of the snowspeeder at the Imperial Walker.

- During that one part that goes "up and down" in "Us and Them": during the "up" part, R2-D2 is being lifted up to the X-Wing. Then, during the "down" part, we see R2 down in the hole part of the X-Wing where he normally sits.


I'm sorry, but I can't think of anything to say right now. My cognitive capacity has been slightly diminished by all the farty synthesizer noises. Let me step outside for a minute and see if the fresh air helps. I'll be back in a few minutes to post the last experiment for the week. Hopefully by then I'll be firing on all cylinders.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Rancor With A Gun

Before we get to today's experiment, I wanted to let all you "Saulte Your Shorts" fans know that the interview I did with Michael Ray Bower (a.k.a. Donkey Lips) has finally been posted at Click here for a direct link. If you're into the DL and want to read about his encounters with Ronald Reagan, Steven Spielberg, and Jason Hervey, check it out. Thanks.

We now rejoin the Great Star Wars Synchronicity Project, already in progress.



Return of the Jedi (1995 "Faces" VHS).


The Chronic by Dr. Dre, which I've already determined synchs up with Star Wars in twenty-eight significant ways (click here to see how). Not so much with The Empire Strikes Back, though (click here or scroll down to yesterday's post to see the dismal results there).

As usual, I started this bad boy right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- "Fuck Wit Dre Day" starts right after the opening crawl disappears.

- A voice is heard in "The Day The Niggaz Took Over" saying "you still a slave" while the camera is on Oola, Jabba the Hutt's dancing slave girl.

- Warren G is repeatedly singing, "I can't be faded" in "Deeez Nuuuts" as we see Luke mid-tricking Bib Fortuna into giving him an audience with Jabba.

- The line "if I don't scrap, I'm gettin' stuck" is heard in "Lil' Ghetto Boy" as we see Luke facing off with the Rancor.


Man, what a letdown. I felt like I was pannin' for gold in a rain puddle. Sheesh. I mean, this one was weaker than Nicole Richie after barfing up Thanksgiving dinner. Seriously! I got less results than Walter Mondale in the 1984 Presidential election! Walter Mondale!! Is this thing on? That was hilarious! He only carried Minnesota! Ah, you jerks! Go back to your "Growing Up Gotti!"

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

The Day The Probots Took Over



The Empire Strikes Back (1995 "Faces" VHS).


The Chronic by Dr. Dre, which I've already determined synchs up with Star Wars in twenty-eight significant ways (click here to see how).

As usual, I started this sucker right after the second drumroll in the 20th Century Fox fanfare.


- "Fuck Wit Dre Day" starts right after the opening crawl disappears.

- The phrase "you and me, toe to toe" is heard in "Fuck Wit Dre Day" as the Wampa attacks Luke.

- Obi-Wan's ghost appears as we hear the line "they can't fade us" in "The Day The Niggas Took Over."

- The phrase "you have no clue" in "Nuthin But A 'G' Thang" is heard as Princess Leia is angrily reacting to Han's suggestion that she has feelings for him (the "scruffy nerf herder" scene).

- One of the choruses of "Nuthin But A 'G' Thang" is heard as Leia kisses Luke ("it's like this and like that and like this, uh huh...").

- We see a shot of the Rebel pilots preparing for the Hoth battle as a male speaker says something about a "new generation" at the beginning of "Lil' Ghetto Boy."

- A male speaker is heard saying something to the effect of, "If I have to die for this motherfucker today, then I'm dead" during Luke's conversation with Dak (who dies a few minutes later).

- The line "I'm ready to fuck shit up" is heard in "The Roach" as we see TIE Bombers bombing the asteroid in hopes of locating the Millennium Falcon.


That "they can't fade us" bit with Obi-Wan made me laugh. That's pretty much what he said to Vader in the first movie. You can't fade a Jedi. They only come back, more powerful than you can possibly imagine, glowin' all blue an' shit. Haters better recognize!