Monday, July 31, 2006

Take Me Out (to Mos Eisley)



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


The self-titled debut from Scottish neo-new wave group Franz Ferdinand. Conjurs up images of overpaid models sniffing coke in a department store bathroom. Not my thing, but I hear the kids dig it.


- The line "you know I'm here waiting for you" in "Take Me Out" coincides with Princess Leia creeping out from behind some pipes in an attempt to surprise the stormtroopers.

- The line "just a shot away from you" in "Take Me Out" coincides with the exchange of blaster fire between Princess Leia and the stormtroopers.

- The line "I know I won't be leaving here with you" in "Take Me Out" coincides with C-3PO telling R2-D2 he's not getting into the escape pod with him (just seconds before the explosion that convinces him to get in anyway).

- As the escape pod carrying the droids takes off, the tempo of "Take Me Out" begins to slow down, leading to the funkier part of the song.

- Princess Leia is firmly telling Darth Vader she's on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan as the line "I say you don't know" is heard in "Take Me Out."

- The last line of "Take Me Out," "I know I won't be leaving here with you," is heard as the droids argue about which direction to go in on the surface of Tatooine (they eventually separate as the song fades away).

- Luke's walk to the sandcrawler is interrupted by Aunt Beru calling for him; at the same point, the line "she won't let you" is heard in "Auf Acshe."

- "Auf Acshe" ends at the same exact moment the Jawa shuts R2-D2 off after the robot auction.

- The line "goodbye sir" is heard in "Cheating on You" as R5-D4 is taken away by the Jawas.

- R2 is shown hiding in that little enclave after the Tusken Raider attack as the line "this is where I'll be" is heard in "Michael."

- Princess Leia's hologram is seen appealing to Obi-Wan to come help her as the line "come on home" is heard repeatedly in "Come On Home."


I've got "Take Me Out" stuck in my head and it's making me nauseous. It sounds like how it feels to be on a crappy carnival ride, I think. Oh, I wanna get off. I had too much cotton candy.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Newfangled Bands

Hey, what's with these newfangled bands? Do you think any of their records synch up with Star Wars? Let's find out.

7/31: Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
8/01: Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not
8/02: Gnarls Barkley - St. Elsewhere
8/03: The Killers - Hot Fuss
8/04: TBA

I'm hoping to acquire Panic! At The Disco for Friday's experiment, but I'll settle for Fallout Boy. Oh, these newfangled bands!

Saturday, July 29, 2006

It Really Hurts When the Empire Strikes Back!

Check out these vintage SNES game reviews for Super Empire Strikes Back and Super Return of the Jedi. I'm not sure when (or why) they were made, but the narration is ridonkulous. Baddies, jetpack freaks, mode seven levels, the Mah-llennium Falcon...remember when that happened in the movie? It really hurts when the Empire strikes back! Just watch already.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Death Star Trip



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Raw Power by the Stooges, without a doubt one of the loudest albums ever made (if not the loudest). It's been cold-cocking serious rock dudes everywhere since '73 with stompers like "Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell" and the transcendent "Search and Destroy." Not a good record to put on if you want to just sit back and get your weed on, which is why a lot of hardcore Stooge fans don't like it. Most people dig Raw Power, though, because...well, jeez, it's Iggy Pop. How can you hate on the Igster?


- The hard guitar strum that starts out the final chorus of "Search and Destroy" coincides with the explosion that rocks the Tantive IV.

- "Gimme Danger" starts right before the Imperials invade the Tantive IV.

- Darth Vader is looking at the dead Rebel soldiers near his feet right after he boards the Tantive IV as the line "there's nothing left alive" is heard in "Gimme Danger."

- Princess Leia is seen being taken to Vader as the line "pretty face and a dirty look" is heard in "Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell."

- As C-3PO is waving to get the sandcrawler's attention, Iggy Pop is screaming, "Hey hey hey!" in "Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell" (it looks like 3PO is screaming this as well to flag down the sandcrawler).

- The line "come and take me" is heard in "Penetration" as the tube that sucks R2-D2 into the sandcrawler is seen coming down.

- The line "everybody always tryin', always tryin' tell me what to do" in "Raw Power" coincides with the first appearance of Luke, which is interrupted by his Aunt Beru calling him.

- "Everybody always tryin', always tryin' tell me what to do" is heard again as we see Luke's angry expression after his uncle orders him to take the droids in and get them cleaned up.

- Princess Leia's hologram is seen saying, "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope" as the line "I need somebody" is heard in "I Need Somebody."

- The phrase "history" is heard in "Death Trip" as Luke asks Obi-Wan how his father died.


Did I ever tell you about the time my friends and I almost went to Iggy Pop's house? When I say that, I mean we almost decided to drive to Miami to try and find Iggy Pop's house. It was Halloween 2001, I think. We were so close to jumping in the car and going. Do you know what we ended up doing? Watching Ace Venture: When Nature Calls and going to the mall for half an hour. Weakest 10/31 ever.

We did see Iggy Pop once, my friends and I, in concert. I think it was that same year. Yeah, it had to be. He came bouncing out looking like the last Civil War refugee, but I'll be damned if he didn't put on an amazing rock show. Some kid jumped from the second story balcony in the venue and landed on the stage; security was about to beat his ass when Iggy said, "Naw, wait! Let's see what this kid can do!" The kid kinda hobbled around for a minute and then limped offstage. That was wild, man. Wild and wonderful.

Yeah, that was definitely 2001. I was still in college, working two or three jobs inbetween classes just so I could afford to do stuff every once in while like go see Iggy Pop and take my girlfriend to the movies. That reminds me: I don't think we ever saw a movie I wanted to see when I dated that particular girl. It was always her choice. Fuckin' Girl, Interrupted an' shit. Come on already! I can't take it already!

Girl, Interrupted. Also known as Two Hours of Torture for JG2. If I hadn't snuck that meatball sub in with me, I would have died. No doubt, son.

Yes, I still cling to urban lingo as a source of humor. I am not proud.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Billion Dollar Banthas



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Billion Dollar Babies by Alice Cooper. A masterpiece of seventies hard rock containing some of the Coop's most memorable songs (i.e. "Elected," "No More Mr. Nice Guy"). If you don't own any AC, this is a damn good place to start. Dropped way back in '73, when Al was still boozing and had yet to pick up a golf club.


- The line "let the show begin" in "Hello Hooray" coincides with the appearance of the Star Wars logo.

- The explosion that rocks the Tantive IV coincides with the first chord that's heard after the brief silence in "Hello Hooray."

- The weird stomping sounds (I think it's stomping) at the end of "Hello Hooray" coincide with the Imperial invasion of the Tantive IV.

- The stormtrooper that shoots Princess Leia is standing over her stunned body as the line "Hey, I think I got a live one here" is heard in "Raped and Freezin'."

- The escape pod jettisons the moment the Mexican breakdown starts in "Raped and Freezin'."

- R2-D2 turns on inside the sandcrawler (right before the robot auction) at the same time the drums start in "Unfinished Sweet."

- The regular beat starts again after the weird breakdown in "Unfinished Sweet" right as Luke puts his model T-16 Skyhopper down.

- The orgasm noises at the end of "Unfinished Sweet" coincide with a shot of Princess Leia's hologram.

- The chorus of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" is heard as C-3PO hits R2-D2 on the dome inside Luke's room/garage.

- The line "dad has to hide" in "No More Mr. Nice Guy" coincides with Uncle Owen telling Luke that Obi-Wan died about the same time as his father (Uncle Owen is lying, of course; Luke's dad is really "hiding" as another person).

- The "No More Mr. Nice Guy" outro plays during Luke and Uncle Owen's argument (Luke gets up from the table as the last drum hits are heard).

- The long harmonica wheeze in "Mary Ann" coincides with R2's Tusken Raider alarm.

- "I Love the Dead" is playing when Luke finds the dead bodies of his relatives.

- "I Love the Dead" switches to an orchestral part as the film wipes from Luke staring at his dead relatives to the Death Star exterior.

- The final "dun dun dun!" in "I Love the Dead" coincides with the shot of the torture droid's needle.


This photo sums up my feelings about the preceding experiment rather soundly:

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Dead Lars and the Dirty Ground



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


White Blood Cells, the 2001 record that smeared the White Stripes all over America's bread like so much creamy peanut butter. "Fell in Love with a Girl" was the big hit, the accompanying video for which looked, if I may borrow a phrase from Will Smith, like a Lego explosion. Gave a lot of bands without bass players hope; sadly, most of those bands didn't have the talent/connections that Jack and Meg had.


- C-3PO looks up to the ceiling right after Jack White says, "I was watchin'" in "Hotel Yorba" (as if he can hear Mr. White's warbling just as we can).

- The line "actin' tough and I'm gonna do what I please" in "Hotel Yorba" coincides with the first appearance of Darth Vader.

- R5-D4 explodes as the line "hope you know a strong man who can lend you a hand" is heard in "The Same Boy You've Always Known."

- "We're Going to be Friends" starts during the scene where Luke and the droids first get acquainted.

- Luke walks through a door as the line "I'm coming through the door" is heard in "Offend in Every Way."

- Luke sees his dead relatives as the line "there's no one else around" is heard in "This Protector."


The "We're Going to be Friends" thing was cute. I got a kick out of it.

Question: have either of the White Stripes ever been photographed wearing anything other than a combination of red, white, and black? Inquiring minds like mine want to know. I'd love to see Jack in some neon Jamz and a "Who Pooted?" t-shirt. Someone hook me up with pics from their "off" days. Thanks in advance.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Evildarthers Beware



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Evildoers Beware! by Mustard Plug. Another album courtesy of a ska band that saw their professional peak sometime in the late nineties. These guys are still plugging away, though (pun so intended). I guess you can make some decent cheddar touring with ska in this country. Too bad I never learned to play alto sax.


- The line "though I try I can never get away" in "Box" coincides with the Tantive IV trying to evade the star destroyer.

- The line "I know there's no escape" in "Box" coincides with a shot of the Rebel soldiers aboard the Tantive IV, nervously awaiting their fate.

- Princess Leia's hologram is onscreen as the line "who will be your guiding light?" is heard in "Jerry."

- R2-D2 looks around the Jundland Wastes as the line "I looked around" is heard in "Sadie May."


Almost as boring as the music on the CD. Sorry, Plugsters, you know I ain't down with what you do. It's nothing personal. That's just (say it with me) HOW I ROLL!!! YAY!!!!

You know, my friend Rob Shields invented the best name for a ska band ever: He-Man versus Skaletor. If you fail to see the brilliance in that, I don't ever want to talk to you.

Sorry if that was harsh. I had a rough day at the office. They're actually giving me work now. That's why the blog posts are going up later. I don't have the time at work anymore because THEY'RE GIVING ME ACTUAL WORK!! HOO-BOY, IMAGINE THAT! Why, you were just knee-high to a june bug the last time I had any work to do!

Okay, this is veering off into uncharted (and very stupid) territory. Time for a nap.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Break the Gonk



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Destruction by Definition by the Suicide Machines. Blew up in the '96 season thanks to the radio hit "No Face." All the kids I ran with in high school had a copy of this CD. Not me, though. Ska-punk was never my scene. Nowadays, I can handle it in small doses; back then, it was my kryptonite.


- The line "look around, all I see are people sho don't understand unity" in "S.O.S." coincides with the exchange of laser fire between the Tantive IV and the star destroyer that is pursuing it.

- The line "we need help" in "S.O.S." coincides with a shot of the droids trying to escape the madness aboard the Tantive IV (which is under attack).

- The line "we need help" is heard again as the Rebel soldiers are in their positions, looking up at the ceiling with dread as the star destroyer sucks them up.

- One of the last, really empassioned "we need helps!" is heard as three Rebel soldiers are seen running down a corridor, trying to evade Imperial gunfire.

- The "ah ya ya ya" in "Break the Glass" that sounds like the speaker is choking or gargling coincides with a shot of the Rebel soldier being choked by Darth Vader.

- The phrase "insane" in "No Face" coincides with a shot of Vader.

- The droids are seen wandering alone in the desert as the line "is anybody out there, does anybody know?" is heard in "No Face."

- The phrase "the world's a scary place" is heard in "Islands" as a group of Jawas is seen reacting to something that clearly frightens them, as they run for cover behind the sandcrawler.

- Luke is seen lying unconscious on the ground as the line "fucked up on the inside" is heard in "Inside/Outside."

- The line "you know you make me wanna say so long" in "So Long" coincides with Luke suddenly reacting to Obi-Wan's suggestion that he accompany him to Alderaan (the gist of which is, "Piss off, I gotta go home now").

- The line "shut your fuckin' mouth" is heard in "I Don't Wanna Hear It" as Tarkin and Vader walk into the Death Star conference room, silencing the arguing Imperials.


Had more than a feeling a lot of "S.O.S." would synch up. That's pretty much the reason I chose to do this CD. I glanced at the back cover and had this crazy hunch. Too bad the rest of it didn't pan out.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Detroit (and Surrounding Areas) Rock City

Gonna kick out the jams Michigan-style this week, motherfuckers:

7/24: Suicide Machines - Destruction by Definition
7/25: Mustard Plug - Evildoers Beware!
7/26: White Stripes - White Blood Cells
7/27: Alice Cooper - Billion Dollar Babies
7/28: Stooges - Raw Power

Doin' these all with Star Wars, if'n ya care. Apologies to all you Grand Funk and Eminem fans out there. Couldn't get my hands on any of that. Next time, homies. Next time.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

We Care A Lot (About Hoth)



The Empire Strikes Back (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Disc the first of the Faith No More retrospective Who Cares A Lot? The Greatest Hits, which I already discovered synchs with Star Wars in thirty distinct ways (link).


- The chorus of "Introduce Yourself" ("introduce yourself, right on!") is heard the first time we see each of the following characters onscreen: Han Solo, Chewbacca, and Princess Leia.

- The phrase "bleeding, lying on the floor" in "Epic" coincides with Luke felling the Wampa (which bleeds, presumably, and lies on the floor after being attacked).

- The emotional ending of "Epic," which starts on guitar but eventually segues into piano, begins at the same moment the camera closes in on Leia's reaction to the doors closing for the night at Echo Base while Han and Luke are still out in the blizzard.

- "Falling to Pieces" begins right after Han's Tauntaun keels over in the snow.

- The line "left the door open wide" in "Digging the Grave" is heard right after Imperial troops blast a hole in the wall of the Echo Base and invade.


Phew, that's lookin' more barren than Madam Curie! Seriously, there's less synchs here than WMDs in Iraq! Oh, didn't think I get all political on your unsuspecting ass, did you? That's how I roll, son (unpredictably).

So the forthcoming Star Wars DVDs were shown this past week at Comic-Con in San Diego, and is reporting that the original unaltered versions contained on said DVDs look "exactly like those bootlegs out there of the laserdiscs. A little washed out, pixelated and strobey."

Hey, did you see that thing that just whizzed by? That was my very last hope for these DVDs. Kinda foolish, I know, but I was holding on to this crazy hope that Lucasfilm would surprise us with really boffo-looking OUT prints, restored and anamorphic and all that jazz. Silly, huh?

Yeah, I had this crazy dream that it was all a prank. Everything that went down in the past decade, that is: the prequels, the shoddy treatment of the OUT, the shoddy treatment of the fans, Lucasfilm's general out-of-touch, clumsy persona...all an elaborate prank intended to rankle us good. Ashton Kutcher would pop out from behind a plant or a dumpster at Skywalker Ranch and scream, "Oh, damn, Star Wars nerds! You got PUNK'D!!!!" Everyone would breathe a sigh of relief, and we'd get on with our lives.

Nope. That tiny little hope just flew away, bolting out of sight and up into the ozone. Oh well. I'm not too crushed. Any Star Wars fan worth his salt knows that Lucasfilm will bust a certifiably awesome OUT on us when they absolutely, positively have nothing else in their well. It just suck-diddly-ucks that they won't pop it out now, with this set (considering the OUT is THE MAIN SELLING POINT).

Still deciding what to do next week. I'll holla atcha later 'bout that. Jedi and Faith No More? Um, I'll holla atcha later 'bout that, too.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Whiskey in the Jawa



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Dedication: The Very Best of Thin Lizzy. All eighteen tracks are arranged chronologically, and I'll be damned if these guys didn't get better with each passing year. It's a real shame Phil Lynott died so young. Who knows what hot cuts the world missed out on.


- The line "in walked Captain Farrell, I jumped up, fired off my pistols" in "Whiskey in the Jar" coincides with the first stormtroopers busting through the Tantive IV door and exhanging fire with the Rebels.

- R2-D2 is seen rolling very slowly off center down a narrow hallway as the line "I got drunk on whiskey" is heard in "Whiskey in the Jar" (it looks like R2 is a bit tanked in this scene).

- The line "I'm a roller, too, honey" in "The Rocker" coincides with a shot of R2 (who, most of the time, rolls along to get where he needs to go).

- The line "I'm coming down" in "She Knows" coincides with the tube that sucks R2 up coming down from the sandcrawler.

- The line "gonna be a showdown" in "Showdown" is heard right before Luke tells his uncle he wants to skip out on the harvest to go to the Academy.

- The camera is on Luke as the line "this kid is going to wreck and ruin" is heard in "Fighting My Way Back" (Luke does wreck and ruin the Death Star later in the film).

- The "breakout!" in the middle of "Jailbreak" that begins the part with all the sirens starts at the same moment Luke starts running to the landspeeder, afraid of what the Empire may have done to his relatives.

- The torture droid is onscreen as the line "tonight there's gonna be trouble" is heard in "Jailbreak."

- "The Boys Are Back in Town" is playing as Obi-Wan and Luke are cruising through Mos Eisley in the landspeeder.

- Luke, Obi-Wan, and C-3PO are entering the cantina as the line "down at Dino's bar and grill, the drinks will flow and the blood will spill" is head in "The Boys Are Back in Town" (blood is indeed spilled in the cantina a few scenes later).

- Han Solo is onscreen as the line "you've got a bad reputation" is heard in "Bad Reputation."


I'd like to thank Capitol One for completely ruining "The Boys Are Back in Town" for me. Even though I now have a pretty cool image of Luke and Obi tearing through Mos Eisley in the landspeeder attached to that song, it will undoubtedly be overpowered by visions of Nordic warriors running through shopping malls as modern day citizens look on in horror during future listens.

Why, right at this very moment the echo of a gruff Viking reverberates in my head, demanding to know what's in my wallet. Assholes.

You what's ironic, though? Or at least kinda funny? The Bus Boys, who are famous for their completely different "The Boys Are Back in Town," played at the Capitol One Bowl on New Year's Day of 2005. That screams intern booking mistake to me.

"Dude, I Googled that song, and their website came up! It said they did it!"

Maybe the reunited Thin Lizzy wasn't available. Who knows.

YOU: More like who cares!

ME: No one's making you read this!

Who Cares A Lot? with Empire tomorrow. Possibly Jedi, too. Possibly.

Rain Delay

Today's experiment has been delayed due to rain. The JG2 stadium flunkies couldn't get the tarp over the infield quick enough, and now it's all muddy. We're just gonna have to wait for it to dry. Should be fine by this evening. Until then, we take you back to "Bloopers," already in progress...

Thursday, July 20, 2006

5 Minutes Alone (with Vader)



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


The Best of Pantera: Far Beyond the Great Southern Cowboys' Vulgar Hits! Some title, huh? The CD itself is pretty long, too; at seventy-eight minutes, it's got more ass-ripping stomp metal than you can shake a bong at. Did I mention the damn thing also comes with a DVD showcasing twelve videos? Sheesh. You sure can't accuse Pantera of being chinzy.


- The Star Wars logo appears at the same exact moment the drums and bass kick in in "Cowboys from Hell."

- The phrase "spread the word" is heard in "Cowboys from Hell" during the opening crawl.

- The Rebel soldiers are seen awaiting the Imperial invasion as the line "here we come, reach for your gun" is heard in "Cowboys from Hell."

- The stormtroopers bust through the Tantive IV door as the line "step aside, we're the cowboys from hell" is heard in "Cowboys from Hell."

- The first really heavy part of "Cemetery Gates" starts as Darth Vader crushes the Rebel soldier's neck and throws him against the wall.

- Luke is seen lying unconscious on the ground as the line "you're broken" is heard in "Broken."


"Planet Caravan" almost started the moment Luke spied his dead relatives. It was about ten seconds off, I think. That's definitely the perfect song to have playing in the background the first time you stumble upon the blackened corpses of the people who used to cook all your meals and do your laundry for you. Well, that or something by Gravediggaz.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Skywalker Built My Hotrod



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Greatest Fits, the Ministry hits collection. You know, Ministry, the hard-hitting industrial band that gets no respect despite having created some of the most brutal, intense music ever put to wax. Can't explain that one. Must be that goofy cowboy hat Al Jourgensen insists on wearing. Come on, Al, that stopped being cool even in an ironic way years ago.


- The actual music in "What About Us?" begins at the same moment the Lucasfilm Logo pops up.

- The line "what about us?" in "What About Us?" coincides with a shot of the droids nervously making their way down the Tantive IV corridor as the battle surrounds them; shortly after this, an alarm noise is heard in the song that is reminiscent of the alarm in the movie (which sounds sometime during that scene).

- The explosion by the escape pod coincides with the end of all the distorted noise in the beginning of "Stigmata."

- Darth Vader points his finger at Princess Leia and accuses her of lying as the phrase "you've run out of lies" is heard in "Stigmata."

- A group of Jawas is seen as the phrase "thieves" is heard in "Thieves."

- C-3PO is seen talking to R2-D2 after the robot auction; the soundclip of the guy saying, "We're gonna rip this motherfucker off, we're gonna tear this motherfucker down!" in "Thieves" coincides with this conversation (it looks like 3PO is saying this to R2 about Luke, who has just walked away).

- The soundclip of some guy saying, "Get up, get on your feet!" is heard in "Thieves" just as Luke kneels down to clean up R2.

- The soundclip of George Bush saying, "A new world order!" is heard repeatedly as the Death Star conference room full of chatting Imperials is shown.

- The cantina band moves in time with "Jesus Built My Hotrod."

- The line "you got something to hide" in "Reload" coincides with a shot of Obi-Wan and Luke in the cantina right after Han Solo alerts them to the stormtroopers who are investigating Obi-Wan's "handiwork" (Obi-Wan and Luke do have something to hide; R2-D2, who is carrying the Death Star plans).

- The line "you say it's time to collect" is heard in "Reload" during the scene where Greedo confronts Han about the money he owes Jabba the Hutt.

- The line "time to settle the score" is heard in "Reload" just seconds after Han unlatches his blaster under the table in order to shoot Greedo.


I went to high school with this disturbingly nice guy named Brian Lewis who was super into Ministry. He really got me interested in them (and alternative music in general), and he also taught me just about everything I ever needed to know about playing the guitar. I don't know if I ever thanked Brian for that, so I'm going to dedicate this blog entry to him.

I know, it's not much, but it's the best I can do right now. I lost touch with B. Lewis (as I like to call him) in 1996. If he comes back into my life tomorrow through the miracle of dumb luck, maybe I can repay him properly by teaching him a trade I'm highly skilled in, such as proofreading or copy editing.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Gentle Art of Making Empires



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


The first disc of Who Cares A Lot?, the double disc Faith No More greatest hits collection (which is apparently also available in a single CD version). All the FNM a casual fan like myself can handle. Tracks include "We Care A Lot," "From Out of Nowhere," "Epic," "Digging the Grave," and that hilarious cover of "I Started A Joke" (no pun intended).


- The line "it's a dirty job but someone has to do it" in "We Care A Lot" is heard as the star destroyer is seen attacking the Tantive IV.

- A group of Rebel soldiers is seen racing down a Tantive IV corridor brandishing guns as the line "we care a lot about your guns" is heard in "We Care A Lot."

- C-3PO and R2-D2 are seen reacting to the star destroyer attack and ensuing chaos as the sarcastic line "we care about the wars you're fighting, gee, that looks like fun" is heard in "We Care A Lot."

- "It's a dirty job but someone has to do it" is heard again in "We Care A Lot" as the stormtroopers blast their way into the Tantive IV.

- The camera is close-up on Darth Vader for the first time when the line "who are you?" is heard in "Introduce Yourself."

- Princess Leia creeps out of the shadows as the line "from out of nowhere" is heard in "From Out of Nowhere."

- The line "one minute's here, and one minute's there" in "From Out of Nowhere" coincides with the long shot of the escape pod sailing from one end of the Imperial's screen to the other.

- The escape pod is shown floating down to Tatooine as the line "and you wave goodbye" is heard in "From Out of Nowhere."

- The whispered "goodbye" at the end of "From Out of Nowhere" is heard right before Vader walks away from the Imperial soldier who informs him of the jettisoned escape pod.

- The line "it's a loss, it's a win" is heard in "Epic" as R2-D2 is shown going a separate way on Tatooine from C-3PO (while the droids couldn't agree in which direction to go, they both ultimately end up on the sandcrawler).

- The krayt dragon skeleton is seen for the first time as the line "what is it?" is heard in "Epic."

- "What is it?" is heard again in "Epic" after the rocks fall near R2-D2 in the canyon, signaling to the droind that something may be awry.

- The sad, out of tune piano that ends "Epic" coincides with the Jawas carrying the lifeless R2-D2 to the sandcrawler; the final note sounds right after R2 is sucked up into the belly of the giant motorized junk pile.

- The line "I'm somewhere inbetween" in "Falling to Pieces" coincides with a shot of the droids aboard the sandcrawler (who are inbetween adventures at that point).

- The Jawa shuts R2-D2 off after the robot auction at the same moment the guitar stops in "Falling to Pieces."

- The line "with my mouth shut" in "A Small Victory" is heard as Uncle Owen refuses to discuss Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke's father at the dinner table.

- Luke stands up from the table, angry with his uncle, as the line "it shouldn't bother me..." is heard in "A Small Victory." The second part of that lyric, "...but it does," coincides with Luke's huffy exit from the dinner alcove.

- The phrase "high speed" in "A Small Victory" coincides with a shot of Luke and C-3PO in the landspeeder, racing to find R2-D2.

- The bomb noise at the end of "A Small Victory" coincides with R2's alarm going off in the Jundland Wastes, alerting Luke and 3PO to the Tusken Raiders.

- We see the Tusken Raiders dragging Luke into view and raiding the landspeeder from R2-D2's perspective as the line "you know I've done all I can" is heard in "Easy" (it's almost like R2 is thinking this as he hides in that little cave).

- Luke looks right at Obi-Wan as the "EWWW!" is heard in "Easy."

- The line "to reminds us we're alive" in "Digging the Grave" coincides with R2-D2 reminding Luke about C-3PO's battered body right before they leave the Jundland Wastes.

- It sounds like Mike Patton is saying, "it's out of this world!" in "Digging the Grave" as Obi-Wan explains the Force to Luke.

- Obi-Wan is listening to Princess Leia's hologram talk about the Clone Wars and the Empire as the line "the words are so familiar" in "The Gentle Art of Making Enemies."

- The lines "all you need is just one more excuse" and "I want to hear your very best excuse" are heard in "The Gentle Art of Making Enemies" as Luke explains to Obi-Wan why he can't go to Alderaan with him.

- The break in the beginning of "Evidence" (the part without the drums) starts at the same moment Vader begins Force-choking Admiral Motti.

- "I Started A Joke" begins the same time Obi-Wan whips out the Jedi mind trick on the stormtrooper in Mos Eisley.

- Obi-Wan grabs an angry Luke and makes him sit down as the line "take a breath and swallow" is heard in "Last Cup of Sorrow" (it's the part where Luke overreacts to Han's price quote, so it's kind of like Obi-Wan is asking Luke to "take a breath and swallow" his pride).

- The door outside the Mos Eisley cantina opens to reveal C-3PO and R2-D2 as the line "I see you" is heard in "Ashes to Ashes."

- The line "pick you up" in "Ashes to Ashes" coincides with Luke picking up his poncho off the landspeeder right before walking over to Docking Bay 94.


For a second there, I thought Green Day was going to be dethroned. Close, but no cigar.

I can't say I'm surprised. It's Faith No More, for the love of all things holy. One of the most unconventional, innovative bands of all-time. Of course their greatest hits collection would synch up with Star Wars in thirty distinct ways. It only makes sense.

As I did with American Idiot, The Chronic, and Dark Side of the Moon, I will try spinning Who Cares A Lot? with Empire and Jedi, probably sometime this weekend. I'm interested, son. Mad interested.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Droid in the Box



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Nothing Safe: Best of the Box by Alice in Chains. An abridged version of the Music Bank box set covering all the bigguns by these grunge masters. Includes "Get Born Again," which (correct me if I'm wrong) is the last song the band recorded before the passing of singer Layne Staley. Kind of depressing to think about, but it's the first track on the album. After that, you can totally get your rock on and not think about Layne's track marks or missing teeth.


- The phrase "it's over" in "We Die Young" is heard as the Rebel being choked by Darth Vader dies.

- The line "scary's on his way" in "We Die Young" coincides with the escape pod carrying the droids on their way to Tatooine.

- The droids are seen walking through the barren Tatooine desert as the line "won't you come and save me?" is heard in "Man in the Box."

- C-3PO is seen walking alone through the desert as the line "I'm the dog who gets beat" is heard in "Man in the Box (later in the film, C-3PO is beaten up by a Tusken Raider, severing his arm and leaving him feeling rather worse for wear).

- The line "get on your knees" in "Angry Chair" is heard as Luke is kneeling down to clean R2-D2.

- The chorus to "Down in a Hole" (which includes the line "I'd like to fly, but my wings have been so denied") is heard as Luke stares longingly at the Tatooine sunset, wishing he could get away.

- The Tusken Raider pops up to attack Luke as the line "yeah, they come to snuff the rooster" is heard in "Rooster."

- The line "here comes the rooster" is heard in "Rooster" right before the Tusken Raiders drag Luke's body onscreen after the attack sequence.

- The line "stay if you please" in "Got Me Wrong" is heard as Luke is telling Obi-Wan that he can't go to Alderaan with him.

- Darth Vader and two Death Star guards are seen walking down the detention block corridor as the phrase "walk down the line" is heard in "No Excuses."

- The phrase "act crazy" in "I Stay Away" coincides with Obi-Wan making the hand gesture that imposes the Jedi mind trick upon the stormtrooper in Mos Eisley.

- The phrase "am enlightened" in "I Stay Away" coincides with a shot of Obi-Wan.

- The word "flying" is heard in "Would?" as the Millennium Falcon is seen flying through hyperspace.


A few awesome moments here. I almost blew a gasket when the "snuff the rooster" synch happened. Completely amazing or utterly ridiculous? A debate that shall rage in my head all day.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Attack of the Best Ofs/Greatest Hitses

One of the neatest experiments I ever did was this one, Return of the Jedi with Aerosmith's Big Ones. I mentioned in the notes of that experiment that I wasn't too keen on trying best of/greatest hits records because they aren't "real." Well, guess what? I'm kind of over that. I feel like listening to a bunch of songs I like next week.

7/17: Alice in Chains - Nothing Safe: the Best of the Box
7/18: Faith No More - Who Cares A Lot? The Greatest Hits (Disc One)
7/19: Ministry - Greatest Fits
7/20: Pantera - Far Beyond the Great Southern Cowboy's Vulgar Hits
7/21: Thin Lizzy - Dedication: the Very Best of Thin Lizzy

In alphabetical order even! That's some slick stuff right there, huh?

EDIT: Yes, I'm doin' all these rekkids wit Star Wars.

Found out the other day that the Star Wars Insider article/interview won't be coming out until next month. So all you rabid JG2 fans camping outside of Borders, feel free to pack it up and go home for a while. Your pets miss you.

Also, can't remember if I dropped this bomb officially yet, but I am currently without literary representation for Star Wars Ruined My Life. That's kind of okay, because I have major rewrites to do anyway. Still, if any big-time lit people who can make things happen are reading this and are diggin' the wordcraft, hit me up. I work best under pressure.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Millennium Falcon or Die



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


March or Die by Motörhead. Often characterized as the worst Motörhead album, which isn't hard to understand. Lifeless cover of "Cat Scratch Fever," acoustic ballad with Ozzy backup vocals, and a couple tracks that sound like they were ghostwritten by Poison. Not the band's finest hour, but hey, at least Slash shows up and plays some nice widdly-widdly for you.


- The line "I don't know where they come from but they sure do come" in "Catch Scratch Fever" is heard as numerous stormtroopers are seen advancing upon the Tantive IV crew.

- The weird, phasery ending of "Cat Scratch Fever" coincides with the escape pod being jettisoned and soaring down to Tatooine.

- The line "cold steel" in "Jack the Ripper" coincides with a tight shot of R2-D2's silver dome.

- One of the Jawas bounces along in time with "Jack the Ripper" right before the robot auction.

- The line "gone out of sight" in "Asylum Choir" coincides with Luke scanning the horizon for R2-D2 through his binoculars but seeing nothing.

- "Too Good to Be True" begins as Obi-Wan removes his hood, revealing himself to R2-D2.

- The "watch out!" at the end of "You Better Run" is heard as Darth Vader begins moving towards Admiral Motti, who he is about to Force choke.

- "March or Die" starts as the Imperial soldier is seen marching down the Death Star detention block hallway after the door shuts on Princess Leia's cell.

- The line "the day has come" in "March or Die" coincides with Luke telling Obi-Wan he wants to go to Alderaan.


Not bad, not bad. If this experiment were a member of the 1986 New York Mets, it would be Howard Johnson. Not crucial, but fun to watch.

Switching gears: it has come to my attention that the GSWSP is the second link that comes up when one Googles the phrase "Corey Haim/Corey Feldman fanfiction." If you think I'm kidding, go try it. This is because I once unknowingly used the terms "Corey Haim/Corey Feldman" and "fan fiction" in the same post (strangely, if you type in "Corey Haim/Corey Feldman fan fiction," this blog doesn't come up at all).

I don't know what's more exciting — the fact that people out there are so thirsty for Corey adventures that they'll even turn to fan fiction, or that the GSWSP comes up near the top of the heap in such a search. Usually visitors surf in here searching for "Jabba's slave girl" or "Han Solo's gun." To see such a deviation is both a surprise and a delight.

I'll be sure to inform you if anyone ends up here via a more ridiculous search. Until then, I shall celebrate this strange perversity of the Internet to the fullest extent of the law.

Interestingly enough, Feldman and Haim were once involved in a Star Wars parody on "The Late Show with David Letterman." The joke was they both auditioned for the role of Anakin in Episode I, unaware that they were in direct competition. So perhaps the weirdest aspect of all this is that no one has shown up here searching for "Corey Haim/Corey Feldman Phantom Menace" or "Corey Haim/Corey Feldman Episode I Letterman."

Of course, now that I've typed all that, someone undoubtedly will.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

(Han Solo's Gonna) Shut You Down



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


1916, the 1991 Motörhead whose title was undoubtedly the butt of some jokes ("1916? What, is that the year they recorded it? Ha, those guys are OLD!"). Contains the standard Motörhead fare, save the title track, which is a maudlin keyboard-driven tune reflecting upon a young soldier's death in WWI. Truly touching and heartfelt. It almost makes you forget all those pervy songs Lemmy wrote about touching underage girls and punching their fathers!


- A Rebel soldier falls down and dies right after the line "you'll go down" in "I'm So Bad (Baby I Don't Care)."

- The word "die" is heard in "Love Me Forever" as the Jawa shuts off R2-D2 after the robot auction.

- Nearly all of Lemmy's "nananas" in "Angel City" coincide with shots of C-3PO waving his arms and begging Luke not to deactivate him after learning R2-D2 has run away.


What can I say? This was less exciting than your average hour of QVC.

Ah, QVC. How I loved to prank call you during my formative years. Making up fake item numbers, complaining that I never received items that were never for sale, and generally harassing your patient, well-trained operators, none of whom ever threatened or hung up on me (which is more than I can say for those jerks at the Money Store — jerks!). You provided an eleven year old and his giggling friends with hours of entertainment, and I thank you.

Hey, I should call them right now and thank them! That would be funny. Better yet, I should call them from home later so I can record it. Then I can post the hilarious conversation as an MP3 file and become the toast of the Internets! Yay Internets!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Le Bullshit

The French anamorphic OUT DVD rumor is, according to a Lucasfilm spokesperson, "100% completely not true." Apparently someone at Fox France had no idea what the hell they were talking about. Way to get the nerd world's hopes up, Pierre. I'm going to go crawl into my homemade bacta tank and sulk now.

Sock Ray Bloo!

This article claims that Fox France has confirmed the original unaltered versions of the Star Wars films slated for release on DVD in September in their country will be anamorphic due to the "justified fan protest" over the initial decision to release them non-anamorphically (not sure if that's an actual word, but also not really caring right now). Here's a translation for all you ig'nant Freedom Fry eaters:

"To comfort the defeat of our France soccer team yesterday evening (which made it possible that the author of these lines won a bet), another type of victory has been brought to our beautiful territory ! The original versions of the first Star Wars trilogy, soon available in RC2, will profit from a 16:9 transfer! We are certain about it, because Fox France confirmed it who perhaps, one may never now, were concerned about the justified fan protests all over the world regarding the 4:3 transfer, and contacted the authorities. And to remain chauvinistic until the end, also let us add that the American discs are not yet scheduled to profit from the same preferential treatment.

"Announced for September 13 in France, these editions will each have two DVD's: one for the 2004 versions, the other for the original versions (1977-1980-1983 respectively). The DVD's of the 2004 versions will be again identical to the version which has been released one and a half year ago, proposing a THX approved film in a 16/9 & 4/3 compatible transfer in the 2.35 format, accompanied Dolby DIGITAL 5.1 EX audio tracks in French and English, and subtitles in the same languages."

The big question is will the American discs "profit from the same preferential treatment?" Most say probably, because it doesn't make sense for Lucasfilm to reward just one country. LF, of course, has yet to comment, but fanboys and girls across the country are waiting with baited breath for next week's San Diego Comic Con when it is expected that someone from the company will say something regarding this latest brouhaha.

Me? Sheesh, I don't know what to make of this DVD mess anymore. Even though I find the French dubious at best, I doubt they'd lie about Star Wars DVDs. Even though I find Lucasfilm dubious at best, I doubt they'd only release anamorphic versions of the OUT in France. Then again, stranger things have happened (Disney's Blank Check only available on Japanese import DVD? WTF?!?!?!)

If it turns out the Stars n' Stripes are getting anamorphic OUT on 9/12/06, great, they listened. That alone might be worth the full retail price they're suggesting. I'll definitely pick the DVDs up at some point and enjoy Star Wars for the first time outside of the VCR realm. If this is just another bullshit Internet rumor (like the one about Urkel committing suicide), I'll curse and I'll curse Al Gore for inventing this stupid means of communication.

That's all I can really say until Comic Con, if anything even comes out there. Hopefully something will. Hopefully something will come out by tomorrow. Or tonight. Or by 1:30 P.M.

Darth Forever



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Orgasmatron by Motörhead, the 1986 album that delivered prime cuts such as "Deaf Forever," "Claw," and "Doctor Rock." Might have benefited from a more stable mix (I thought there was something wrong with my headphones when I first put it on), but a good solid chunk of rock nonetheless. Total shocker: the title track isn't about sex, it's about religion.


- The line "cold embrace" is heard in "Deaf Forever" as the Tantive IV is "embraced" by the star destroyer (i.e. swallowed up into its underbelly).

- C-3PO is criticizing R2-D2's decision to get into the escape pod as the line "you make me laugh, you make me sick" is heard in "Nothing Up My Sleeve."

- "Ain't My Crime" starts as Princess Leia is brought to Darth Vader and given a chance to refute the charges against her.

- The line "I don't believe your lies" in "Ain't My Crime" is heard as Darth Vader is seen calling Princess Leia out on her lies.

- The camera is on Darth Vader as the line "I'm a lowlife, born and bred, and I don't give a damn" is heard in "Ain't My Crime."

- The line "watchin' me watchin' you" is heard in "Claw" as we see R2-D2 roll through the canyon from the Jawa's perspective.

- R2-D2 is rolling up to the spot where he gets shot as the line "he's got you where he wants you" is heard in "Claw."

- Right after C-3PO smacks R2-D2 on the dome inside the sandcrawler, the little droid wakes up and the lines "open your eyes, who's there, who's there?" are heard in "Mean Machine."

- The camera is on Obi-Wan, who is talking to Luke, as the line "I'll lead you to your destiny" is heard in "Orgasmatron."


I laughed out loud at the "lowlife" synch with Vader in "Ain't My Crime." So fitting. The R2 "who's there?" and Obi-Wan "destiny" synchs were pretty rockin', too. I might go so far as to label them totally rockin', because that's just the kind of guy I am (an idiot who still measures things by how "rockin'" they are).

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Luke of Spades



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Ace of Spades by Motörhead. Tried this sucker once before with Empire. I honestly can't say my opinion of this album has changed since then — it still kicks ass. That right there sounds like something some metal guy would say on one of those "Top 100" album countdowns on the VH-1, innit it? Man, who knew Skid Row would get so much air time on basic cable this many years after the height of their popularity? Certainly not me, and certainly not them.


- C-3PO looks up the moment Lemmy begins singing in "Love Me Like A Reptile" as if he can hear him.

- The line "you know I got my eyes on you" is heard in "Love Me Like A Reptile" as we see Princess Leia and R2-D2 interacting from C-3PO's perspective.

- "Shoot You In The Back" is playing as Princess Leia is shot in the back by the stormtrooper.

- The line "you know me, you know I'm wired" is heard in "Live to Win" as C-3PO is seen talking to R2-D2 aboard the sandcrawler (it looks like this is what 3PO is saying to R2).


This one wasn't very ace, now was it?


So I heard this rumor that Lemmy can't swim. I would like to officially propose a reality show in which Lemmy goes to the Y, joins a beginner's swimming class, and learns how to swim. Can you imagine that big burly guy with all his hair and tattoos wading in the shallow end of a pool next to small children in water wings? The juxtaposition is hilarious! It's a fish out of water story in the water!!!!

Oh, I even know who could host it — Tony Danza! Man, I'm a genius. Someone get Garry Marshall on the phone. I gotta tell him he spells his name wrong.

Monday, July 10, 2006

(Sand People Have) No Class



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Overkill by Motörhead, the charging 1979 album that brought the world heavy metal classics such as "Stay Clean," "No Class," "Damage Case," and the incredible title track. There's also a song called "Capricorn," which doesn't seem all that remarkable until you find out Overkill was recorded between December of 1978 and January of 1979 (thus making Capricorn its astrological sign). I'm not sure if that's really cool or really dippy, but I can tell you one thing: the music on the album isn't very Capricornish. Conservative? Practical? Yeah, you listen to that bass solo that comes out of nowhere in "Stay Clean" and you tell me Lemmy was being conservative or practical the day he recorded that. I dare ya.


- The line "you're really just a jerk" in "(I Won't) Pay Your Price" is heard as Darth Vader is seen walking down the corridor of the Tantive IV after yelling at Princess Leia.

- The Jawa shuts off R-D2 as he begins to wobble towards Luke and C-3PO as the line "you don't belong with the crowd" is heard in "No Class."

- The line "get you smashed as a rat in some bar" in "Limb From Limb" is heard as C-3PO is seen on the ground, dazed after being smashed up by the Tusken Raiders.


No overkill with Overkill then, right? Har har har.

Here's a link to something I wrote in a previous Motörhead experiment about the song "Overkill" and Star Wars. Maybe I should have saved that spiel for this experiment, but hey, what can I tell you? I was excited that day.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Don't Forget the Jawa

This week is gonna be all Motörhead. Would have let you known sooner, but it was up in the air until like two seconds ago.

7/10: Overkill
7/11: Ace of Spades
7/12: Orgasmatron
7/13: 1916
7/14: March or Die

All wif Schtar Warsch. That's how Lemmy would say it.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Arthur Googy: Setting the Record Straight

"IrishPitBull NYC" posted the following comment in response to what I wrote about Misfits drummer Arthur Googy in the Artoo Zombies experiment:

"Kid you have it wrong about Arthur Googy from the Misfits... Danzig was a Closet Nazi loser that disowned his whole band in 83 and hated arthur for telling him to stop contolling the money he gave to band members. Your information is based on pathetic rumor and regarding the commercials that is also wrong. Before posting nformation that you recive from unverifiable resources, try finding out what actually occured and consider Danzig's reputation for being a controlling bastard that left his band with all the rights and didn't allow Jerry to use the name until over a decade later and many law suits. Googy was the best Drummer the Misfits ever had and considering he worked on their best alnum "walk Among Us" and 12 Hits from Hell, he deserves more respect."

First of all, let me apologize for not making it more clear that the cheeseburger and auto-fellatio stories attached to Arthur Googy have never been proven to be stone cold fact. I thought that was conveyed in the manner I presented them, but apparently not.

For the record, the cheeseburger story has been documented on several respected Misfits websites, including the most respected of them all, Mark Kennedy's Outside of the people who were in the band, Mark is pretty much the ultimate authority on the Misfits. If it appears on his site (which the cheeseburger story does, under the "4/15/82" entry of his timeline, citing a Jerry Only interview as its source), I'm inclined to believe it. That is, I'm inclined to believe that, according to Jerry Only, the Misfits got into an argument at a McDonald's on April 15, 1982, over how many cheeseburgers Arthur was allowed to have. I'm not inclined to believe this is the exact reason Arthur quit the band.

The self-fellatio rumor was something I got from the extensive Wikipedia article about the Misfits; mysteriously, it has been edited since June 27, 2006, and all theories as to why Arthur Googy left the band have been excised. It should be noted, however, that the Arthur Googy Wiki entry claims the drummer left the band because of "Danzig's controlling scum behavior."

I don't know what to make of that, but I can tell you that the original Misfits Wiki article stated that the rumor was based on a letter Danzig had written to a friend at the time which mentioned in passing Googy's alleged desire to fellate himself. After reading that, I remembered seeing that very letter scanned in and posted on a Danzig/Misfits website a long time ago; again, this is not conclusive evidence. The existence of said letter only proves that Googy may have once expressed the desire to suck his own dick and that displeased Danzig. It is no smoking gun proving that Goog was tossed because Danzig thought he was "sick" (my quotes, not Danzig's).

I will admit that I did not do any fact-checking regarding Arthur's commercial appearances. A Google seach for "Arthur Googy Burger King" brought up the timeline at, which was adapted from the timeline. It shows that sometime in 1984, "Arthur appeared in a Levi's commercial and may later have done a Burger King commercial (as stated by Bobby in 'Punk Floyd')." So the BK ad isn't confirmed. That's one thing I was wrong on, and I apologize.

I have been a fan of the Misfits for many years, and that certainly includes the contributions of Arthur Googy. His powerful style helped mold the band's classic sound, and I have often tried to emulate that style myself in my own musical projects. I respect him as a musician and as a person; he could have easily cashed in on his status as an ex-Misfit years ago, but chose not to. He's remained (happily?) missing in action from the punk scene for years now, living somewhere in New York and steering clear of all Misfits-related activities.

I should know; for a brief period in the late nineties, I was obsessed with tracking Arthur Googy down and interviewing him in an attempt to clear up all the rumors and get his side of the story. Despite the numerous privacy-violating technologies that were at my disposal, the task was impossible. Arthur Googy was too slippery to get a hold of.

Again, I apologize if it seemed like I was besmirching Arthur's name in the "Artoo Zombies" experiment or taking shots at him. I wasn't. I was just relaying what I thought were interesting stories concerning his departure from the Misfits. While I have reason to believe "IrishPitBull NYC" may be none other than the Goog himself, there's no reason not to believe he's just a rabid 'Fits fan whose sick of all the spin surrounding some of the more respectable former members. I can appreciate that. Here's to you, "Irish," whomever you are.

Friday, July 07, 2006

I Used To Think I Was Darth



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Distortion, the 2005 album from Rev Run, a.k.a. Reverend Run, a.k.a. Joseph "Joey Jo Jo Junior Shabadoo" Simmons of Run-DMC fame. Rev's first solo joint, and a short one at that; there's less than twenty-five minutes of boomin' beats and boisterous bravado on Distortion. Not exactly the most innovative or adventurous outing, but there are moments of excellence. I give it two and a half Chubby Preachers.


- The second plane noise in "I Used To Think I Was Run" coincides with the Tantive IV soaring onscreen.

- Right after the laugh at the beginning of "Home Sweet Home," C-3PO looks up, as if he heard Rev Run's ridiculous cackle.

- The phrase "break time" is heard in "Home Sweet Home" as Vader walks down the Tantive IV corridor with that Imperial guy after ordering Princess Leia to be taken away (this lesuirely stroll seems like a small break for the Dark Lord of the Sith from his never-ending galatic conquest).

- The line "I'm ready to roll" in "Mind on the Road" coincides with Luke nodding towards the Lars homestead after agreeing to take in C-3PO (it looks like Luke is implying that he's "ready to roll" from the Jawa's auction).


I think this is the shortest album I've tried so far. I didn't even realize how brief it was until I popped it in the stereo to start the experiment. So much for my thirty minute minimum rule. Confoundit.

Completey geeked out Star Wars link for the day: WWII X-Wing. Be sure to read all the comments. You think I'm nerdy? You don't know from nerdy.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Hell Yeah (Pimp the Death Star)



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Revolutionary But Gangsta by dead prez. A controversial record amongst hardcore dp fans, who pinpoint it as the moment the two socially conscious rappers sold out ('twas released on Sony, complete with a Jay-Z remix and far thuggier lyrics than usual). I give it props, though, solely on the strength of "Radio Freq." Best anti-FM song since "Radio Radio."


- The line "the police is nervous" in "Walk Like a Warrior" coincides with a shot of the Rebel soldiers nervously awaiting the Imperial invasion of the Tantive IV.

- The phrase "we under attack" in "Walk Like a Warrior" is heard as the stormtroopers lay waste to the Rebels on the Tantive IV.

- C-3PO and R2-D2 are seen peeking out from a enclave during the opening battle as the line "we don't surrender" is heard in "Walk Like a Warrior" (the two droids don't surrender; they escape).

- The line "in the right place at the wrong time" in "Hell Yeah (Pimp the System)" is heard as R2-D2 is seen rolling through the canyon right before the Jawas capture him.

- The Jawas are seen carrying R2-D2 back to their sandcrawler as the lines "it's a daily struggle, we all gotta hustle, this is the way we survive" are heard in "Hell Yeah (Pimp the System)."


Revolutionary But Gangsta was the first album I ever listened to on an iPod. For some reason, that seems significant. It probably isn't, though. It's probably just another one of those INsignificant media-related memories I'll carry around with me until I die because I think it holds some sort of significance. My brain is full of those. There are literally thousands of the buggers, clogging my gray matter and preventing me from remembering important things like my social security number and my middle name.

Oh well, what can you do? The first cassette I ever listened to on a Walkman was The Best of the Monkees!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Break Ya Restraining Bolt



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Genesis by Busta Rhymes, the rapper's 2001 effort noted for such tracks as "Break Ya Neck" and "Pass the Courvoisier." Not as inspired as some of his previous works, but still worth a copper or two. Hey, it beats the pants off of anything LL Cool J's done in the past decade.


- Someone says, "movin' right along" during the intro as the Tantive IV is seen trying to evade the star destroyer.

- The phrase "knock any motherfucker who gets in the way of the power move" is heard in the intro as the star destroyer is seen firing upon the Tantive IV.

- The phrase "let's go, let's go" is heard during the intro as the droids are seen moving quickly through the Tantive IV corridor.

- The line "havin' these devils watching me" in "Shut 'Em Down 2002" coincides with a shot of the Jawas hiding in a cave, watching R2-D2.

- The phrase "hold up" is heard in "Betta Stay Up in Your House" as C-3PO taps Luke on the shoulder to tell him about R2-D2 after R5-D4 malfunctions.

- The line "now we sittin'" in "We Got What You Want" coincides with Obi-Wan sitting down on the rock as he reacts to hearing his name.

- "Give it away now" is repeated in "Break Ya Neck" as Obi-Wan takes out the lightsaber to give to Luke.


Fresh out the gate, it seemed like a lot, then the crazy synchs just dried up like snot! Yes, I am the fresh rhyme master, the San Francisco earthquake was a goddamn disaster!


Today's experiment won't be posted until sometime after 5:00 P.M. I apologize if this harsh reality totally bums you out. It's bumming me out a little, too. I'd get into the particulars, but I guarantee you there's something far more exciting on C-SPAN right now.

At least the band index is done. Scroll down a lil' to take a look. A couple of the links aren't working for some reason; soon as I can figure out what I did wrong, I'll set it straight like my name was, uh, Mr. Straight...guy.

Experiment Index by Band


Givin' the Darth a Bone
Darth Eat Darth


Just Push Jabba
Droid (Look Like A Lady)
The Empire Strikes Gems
Droids in the Attic
Aerostar Wars


Them Bones (Are Uncle Owen)
Droid in the Box


I Bet You Look Good on the Death Star


Boot Stamping On A Rebel Face Forever
Can't Stop It (the Death Star)
Against the Gonk
You Are (the Death Star)
Eat Your Droid
Darth Sincerity


To The 5 Banthas
Bantha Movin'
Root Darth
Looking Down the Barrel of a Gonk
Licensed to Ill (on Hoth)
Licensed to Ill (on Tatooine)
To The Jedi Boroughs
Return of Paul's Boutique


Here Comes Two Suns
Lucy in the Sky with Death Star
Good Day Sand People
Drive My Corellian Corvette
Please Please Me (I'm Uncle Owen)


Midnite Vultures of the Jedi
I Got Two Lightsabers and a Microphone
Odelay of the Jedi


September Gonks


Spray Paint (Vader's Helmet)


Hoth of Glass


Independent Worm Cantina


Clock Strikes Ten Parsecs
(Vader's) At Budokan


Billion Dollar Banthas


Insane in the Motivator


Grave Darth Vader
Wait for the Bantha
Machine Gonk Etiquette
One Way Droid
See Her Tonight (Princess Leia)


Am I Vader


A Child and His Star Destroyer
Bedtime for the Rebellion
A Growing Boy Needs His Force
Terminal Jedi
Forward to Darth


Hell Yeah (Pimp the Death Star)


Whip It (the Empire)


She Stands There (Next to Vader)


The Humpty Darth


I Think I Can Beat Darth Vader


Rancor With A Gun
The Day The Probots Took Over
Nuthin But A Droid Thang


The Gentle Art of Making Empires


I Love Livin' on the Death Star


Talkin' 'Bout the Smiling Death Star Immortality Blues


Take Me Out (to Mos Eisley)


Selling Alderaan by the Pound


Circle of Obi-Wan


St. Eisley


American Jedi
Imperial Idiot
Alderaan Idiot: Second Playthrough
Alderaan Idiot
Warning (Darth Vader's Coming)
Nice Gonks Finish Last
Gonk Stink Breath
Jawa Dookie


The Blue Milk Incident?
Appetite for Star Wars II
Appetite for Star Wars


Rebels Beware


Darth Off Your Shoulder


Vader Was a Friend of Mine


Death Star Rock City


Jedis, Don't Teach Us Nonsense!


Bantha in the Rain
The Droid Remains the Same
Going to Yavin 4
Darth I'm Gonna Leave You


Hate Your Droids
Come on Feel the Stormtroopers


Paradise by the Death Star Light


Countdown to Mos Eisley
Jawa Sells...But Who's Buying?
The Empire Strikes Rust in Peace


Skywalker Built My Hotrod


Out of Step (with the Rebellion)


Artoo Zombies
Theme For A Jawa


Millennium Falcon or Die
(Han Solo's Gonna) Shut You Down
Darth Forever
Luke of Spades
(Sand People Have) No Class
Love Me Like a Rebel


Evildarthers Beware


Corellian Outsiders


From the Sandy Dunes of Tatooine
Luke Skywalker Will Have His Revenge On Tatooine
Corellian Seafood
Come As You Are (to Hoth)
Blew (Alderaan Up)
Smells Like Droid Spirit
The EMpire Strikes In Utero


Me & My Droid


5 Minutes Alone (with Vader)


Dark Side of the Sail Barge
Dark Side of the Tauntaun
Dark Side of the Space Station


Beat 'Em Up (the Rebels)
Lust for Lightsabers


Pork Jawa


Bantha's Gonna Work It Out
Return of a Black Planet


Songs for the Darth


The Empire Strikes Bends


Rockaway Bantha
Rock n' Roll Hoth School
She Talks to Jawas
Chasing the Droid
It's a Long Way Back (to Tatooine)
Rocket to Alderaan
Now I Wanna Be A Good Droid


Cantina Jitters
Banthas of Young
Chewie's Got a Boner
Take Me Down to the Jundland Wastes
Sorry Ma, Forgot to Take Out the Wampa
Sorry Ma, Forgot to Take Out the Droids


I Used To Think I Was Darth


Break Ya Restraining Bolt


Luke's House


Tom Skywalker
Jacob's Lightsaber
Passage to Alderaan
Cygnus X-1 Bocchi II


Dewbacks '88
All Jedis All Droids All Fun


Tatooine City Dream
Kill the Cantina Band
Alderaan For a New Tomorrow
Star Destroyer Fantasy


No Feelings (for the Empire)
Filthy Vader Live
Who Killed Greedo?
Never Mind the Banthas


So Says Darth


The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie & Vader Show
Bantha on Board


Tatooine Dream


Gin and Carbon Scoring


Hour of Darthness


Under the Wheel (of the Sandcrawler)


Wax Ecstatic (to Sell R2-D2)


Death Star Trip


Break the Gonk


Tatooine D


Whiskey in the Jawa


Hot For Greedo
Vader Down
Fair Warning (About Darth Vader)
Somebody Get Me A Bantha
Runnin' with the Jawas


And Then There's Darth
The Corellian Guy
Leia Than Zero
Lost Hanway
Luke & Han's Bogus Journey
My Two Darths
Welcome Back, Kenobi


C-3PO Pie


Across the Dune Sea
Weezer (the Blue Star Destroyer)


Dead Lars and the Dirty Ground


La Starwars Cisto


Pictures of Leia
The Droids Are Alright
Bantha O'Riley
I Can See for Parsecs
Jedi and Strange
The Empire Strikes Who's Next


Another Star Wars
Songs in the Key of Lightsaber


Your Droid's Off the Hook, But You're Not


The Night Vader Went Crazy
Spatula Death Star
I Want a New Dewback
Midnight Star Wars
Mr. Darth in the Iron Lung

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Jedis, Don't Teach Us Nonsense!



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


A Future Without a Past, the highly underrated debut album from Leaders of the New School. It's a shame this one collects dust in so many bargain bins the world over, 'cause it really is something else. It's also a shame Charlie Brown, Dinco D, and Cut Monitor Milo never really went anywhere after the Leaders disbanded. You think Busta Rhymes is behind some weird conspiracy to keep his former homeboys down? Hmmm. Now that's what I call an unsolved mystery!


- The "oh, man!" that is heard right before the start of "Case of the P.T.A." coincides with the explosion that rocks the Tantive IV.

- The line "what the hell's going on?" is heard in "Case of the P.T.A." as C-3PO looks up to the ceiling, wondering what the strange noises outside the ship are.

- The phrase "causin' aggrevation" in "Case of the P.T.A." coincides with a shot of the stormtroopers firing on the Rebel soldiers.

- The first chorus of "Too Much On My Mind" coincides with the first close-up of Princess Leia, who is trying to evade Imperial capture.

- The line "ready to go" in "Too Much On My Mind" is heard as R2-D2 opens up the escape pod.

- The phrase "get out" in "Too Much On My Mind" is heard as C-3PO gets into the escape pod following the explosion.

- The line "all by yourself in a little corner with no one to help you" in "Too Much On My Mind" coincides with C-3PO walking through the Tatooine desert right after the pod lands.

- The sandcrawler is seen carrying the droids over a sandy hill on Tatooine as the line "now you're on a mission to nowhere" is heard in "Just When You Thought It Was Safe..."

- "Sobb Story" starts as Luke realizes his Uncle won't let him go to the Academy.

- Luke and C-3PO look around the Jundland Wastes for Tusken Raiders as the line "watch out!" is heard in "Sobb Story."

- The phrase "peer pressure" is heard repeatedly in "Transformers" as Obi-Wan tries to convince Luke to go to Alderaan with him.

- Someone shouts, "What's up, what's up?" in "Afterschool" as Darth Vader and Grand Moff Tarkin walk into the Death Star conference room (it almost seems like one of them coul dbe saying this).

- A couple of voices exclaim, "Ooooh, yo!" in "Afterschool" as Admiral Motti gets the Force choke from Vader.

- The film cuts to a shot of Luke right after the line "show me a hero" is heard in "Show Me A Hero."

- The line "all of a sudden, I got this feeling" is heard in "Show Me A Hero" as Luke runs to his landspeeder, desperate to get home to try and save his relatives.

- Luke is staring at his dead relatives as the line "ain't no way he goin' out like that" is heard in "Show Me A Hero."

- Luke and Obi-Wan are seen standing on the cliff with the sun shining brightly upon them as the line "it was a nice sunny day" is heard in "Trains, Planes, and Automobiles."

- Luke, Obi, and the droids are seen cruising through Mos Eisley as the line "continued on our mission" is heard in "Trains, Planes, and Automobiles."

- The line "tell me, what's your problem?" is heard in "Trains, Planes, and Automobiles" as Obi-Wan uses the Jedi mind trick on the stormtrooper (there's a mini-conversation going on in the song, and it looks like Obi and the trooper are the ones having it).

- The cantina band moves in time with the beat of "Trains, Planes, and Automobiles."


Damn, Gina. Another pleasant surprise. Honestly, some of this stuff came at me so fast I could barely get it all down. I'd seriously consider doing this one again to make sure I got everything. Of course, I don't exactly have the time right now to do a repeat...but I should probably set some time aside later in the week. Leaders of the New School got me buggin' out, son!

Okay, I know, enough with the urban lingo. I can't help it. It's infected the American lexicon. Show me a person my age who doesn't use any street talk like that and I'll show you an Amish guy/girl. By gum, the Amish are the only people left on this planet who do not liberally pepper their conversations with "oh, snaps" and "187s." Contractions are still a sizable mountain to those people. They don't have time to grapple with "come correct, son" and "heads of lettuce."

That reminds me: I kind of regret not watching that silly "Amish in the City" reality show when it was on. I'm sure it will end up on DVD one day (probably in the bargain bin, right next to sixteen copies of A Future Without a Past), but I still feel like I missed something grossly inappropriate and alternately hilarious. I don't know if you knew this about me, but I'm a sucker for horrible T.V. If it's terrible, I gotta see it.

Why else do you think I was rushing home to watch "American Idol" this past season? I had a crush on McPhee? Get real! Watching those trained chimp contestants jump through the hoops "Idol" put in front of them was devilishly delicious! Those Ford commercials where they all did little skits and sang together? Oh, the misery! It was scrumptious!

No "Off" Position on the Genius Switch

Okay, here's what I was thinking: putting links at the bottom of every post is a good idea, but an even better idea would be to create one giant index listing all the experiments I've done by band. Slap that on the sidebar, and anyone who surfs on in will be able to see if I've tried their favorite artist yet. So that's what I'm going to do; make a band index.

Because that's really the number one question people ask me in regards to the GSWSP. "Have you tried so-and-so? What about these people?" A band index would be a great reference, and it would be less confusing than weird, criss-crossy links at the bottom of every single post. More importantly, it would be easier for me to make and save me a lot of time (as opposed to editing all 180-something entries).

So disregard everything I said before. The band index is the wave of the future. I'll ballpark it right here and say it'll be done before Thursday night. That's a reasonable timetable, what with barbeques and rock shows and work and - oh shit, I gotta do today's experiment! I'll be back in an hour.

Monday, July 03, 2006

The Humpty Darth



Star Wars (1995 "Faces" VHS).


Sex Packets by Digital Underground. Contains "The Humpty Dance," which I personally feel is the most partylicious jammy jam in the history of partylicious jammy jams. As Neil Young once said about Hendrix, no one else is even in the same building. Take that, Kid 'n Play!


- The line "I'll shoot an arrow like Cupid" in "The Humpty Dance" coincides with the first exchange of laser fire between the Tantive IV and the star destroyer.

- The phrase "black people" in "The Humpty Dance" coincides with a shot of the Rebel soldiers, who are wearing black; the next phrase, "white people," coincides with a shot of the stormtroopers (who are in white).

- The drums in "The Way We Swing" start at the same time the explosion that force C-3PO into the escape pod is seen.

- The line "it's not about you" in "The Way We Swing" coincides with Darth Vader waving Princess Leia away.

- The line "fool, stop tryin' to test me" in "Underwater Rimes (Remix)" coincides with Uncle Owen's reaction to Luke's desire to leave the farm.

- The Tusken Raider attack on Luke coincides with the weird breakdown in "Gutfest '89."

- The reporter at the end of "Gutfest '89" says, "It's a trip!" at the same time Obi-Wan reacts to hearing his name for the first time in so many years.

- The line "what's the matter, feeling blue?" in "The Danger Zone" coincides with Obi-Wan looking sad and talking about "the dark times."

- The next "what's the matter, feeling blue" in "The Danger Zone" coincides with a shot of Princess Leia's blue hologram.

- The melancholy piano in "Freaks of the Industry" begins the moment Luke looks away from Owen and Beru's charred corpses.

- "Doowutchyalike" starts right after Luke tells Obi-Wan he wants to become a Jedi.

- Threepio's line about the filthy Jawas coincides with the line "if you're dirty, then go take a bath" in "Doowutchyalike."

- The cantina band moves in time with "Doowutchyalike."

- Han Solo introduces himself at the same moment a soundclip is heard of someone saying, "Let me tell you who I am."

- The phrase "act a fool" is heard in "Doowutchyalike" as Luke overreacts to Han's price quote.


More than I anticipated. Nothing earth-shattering, though. Speaking in fragments? Love it.

Sorry about that. It's Day 3 of a four day weekend, and my brain has officially shut off. That's also why it took so long to get this post up today. I'm firing on like half a cylinder. That's just the way it goes when JG2 is on vacation.

Phew. Post done. Can lay down again. Food yummy. Fire bad. Johnny 5 alive.